Warm and Fuzzy

Oops! I kinda fell behind. I'm getting back in the groove though. Let us continue with this blogging activity shall we?

Bloggy Faves-Day 4

4 Pictures that make you feel warm and fuzzy inside

Of course our little man had to be on this list.

I love how special this moment is. My two favorite men.

Happy days! Disneyland and family. Warm and fuzzies come fluttering around.
Best day ever. October, leaves and pumpkins everywhere, family and friends, crisp fall day, incredible sex. Hell yes!

*Howl*

Bloggy Faves-Day 3
3 Of your favorite animals

Numero uno-Wolf, duh. Love everything about them.

Uploaded by swh on 26 Feb 09, 2.35PM PDT.

Numero dos-Chickens! Kind of odd that I would choose chickens following wolves since one would happily eat the other. I like chickens because they represent the life I want to have. That we will have. Plus, they are cute and silly and I like to watch children chase them around.

Uploaded by sweethardt on 26 Jan 10, 5.38PM PDT.

Numero tres-This is really hard. I'm having trouble choosing between these animals: owl, hippo, cow, sheep, duck, horse and snow leopard. I think my third favorite would have to be these highland cattle. So cute with their shaggy hair!

Uploaded by http://www.planetjones.co.uk/ on 17 May 09, 9.07AM PDT.

Aren't they adorable?! Those are my three favorite animals! What are yours?

Lovely Lands

Alaska Landscape
Originally uploaded by J.P. EVERETT

Bloggy Faves-Day 2
2 Places you want to visit before you die

The first is, of course, Alaska. I've always wanted to go there. I will go there. Justin promised he'd take me someday so I know we'll go.

The second is Scotland. The accent turns me on. :D Yeah kilts!! You know, the correct way to wear a kilt is comando? Niiiiiiice.

Uploaded by Extra Medium on 7 Jan 07, 8.46AM PDT.

Fanny Tail

Bloggy Faves-Day 1
1 Tail of any animal on your fanny forever, what would it be?

The snow leopard has a beautiful tail. I would love to have a tail like this!

Uploaded by tammyjq41 on 6 Apr 08, 4.56PM PDT.

Crash and Burn

My computer is dying. It's probably already dead but I'm hoping like hell it can be saved. I love my computer. :( Stupid virus crap.

Jasper's Lullaby

I love you Jasper. I wrote this lullaby for you while you were still in my tummy. Every time I sang it to you, you would kick like crazy. After you were born, whenever you heard it you would calm right down and go to sleep.

When they brought you into the room and I was able to hold you for the first time, I sang this lullaby. You looked up at me, right into my eyes. It was so amazingly sweet. A moment I will never forget and always cherish. We looked at each other for quite a while. Then you drifted off to sleep.

Jasper's Lullaby
Jasper, my sweet, hush close your eyes While Mommy sings your lullaby.

Baby mice are fast asleep.
You won't hear baby birdies cheep.
Everyone's tucked safe in bed.
For a peaceful night of dreams ahead.

So Jasper, my love, hush close your eyes
While Mommy sings your lullaby.

Stars they shimmer just for you;
Like laughing dimples in the sky.
The moon will watch you while you sleep;
A night-light for the world to see.

So Jasper, my sweet, hush close your eyes
While Mommy sings your lullaby.

We both love you very much.
Feel our warmth through gentle touch.
Close your eyes and drift to sleep.
Hush, be calm, be quiet my sweet.

Jasper, my love, hush close your eyes
While Mommy sings your lullaby.
-

Love you baby

Mr. Lint Cow

After every dryer load of clothes you have to clean the lint trap. Now it can be fun! Introducing Mr. Lint Cow!!Mr. Lint Cow sits on top of the dryer just waiting for lint.Along comes some tasty lint after a load of fresh laundry. "Nom nom!" says Mr. Lint Cow, "I love lint!!""All gone!" He says, "That was tasty!"He sits and waits for more lint.
After Mr. Lint Cow gets full his head pops off and you can empty him in the garbage. OR you can set all the lint outside and give the birdies some nesting material.

My Mommy

My Mom is the best, most amazing, giving and strong woman I know! I made her feel like poo. Pretty sucky of me huh? Well I'm going to try and make up for it. How? you ask. Why by doing what I do best! I'm going to make a list of why my Mommy is better than anyone elses. Even yours. :D Oh yeah, she's that good.1. When I was in Forestry camp in the 7th grade she wrote me a letter so I wouldn't be the only kid without mail. I was only there for a week so she went home after dropping me off and mailed it out the next day.

2. She volunteered to be chaperone at all of my school functions and I liked hanging out with her during them.

3. All my friends were jealous that I had the cool, young, hip Mom.

4. We go shopping together like girlfriends.

5. She is always there when I need her.

6. She throws awesome parties for us girls. You should see the tables of food she gets for us! The amount of planning that goes into those parties is ridiculous. She kind of overdoes it, but that just makes for a better party!!

7. She's an awesome cheer Mom. She was such a big help when I was coaching. I couldn't have done it without her support. Or car. Which leads me to #8...

8. She is the best chauffeur. We've only been in one accident and it's because there was ice all over the road. The witnesses said she did remarkable trying to keep the car on the road. Under the circumstances she kept us all safe by staying under control.

9. She's crafty. My Mom has made us so many things over the years. It's because of her I have sweet ass crafting skills. Blankets, dresses, paintings, bedding, ceramics, cards, garters, the list goes on and on.

10. She taught a painting class to my 3rd grade. I was proud that my Mom was teaching and the other kids' Moms sucked and were old. (Remember I'm not very nice)

11. My Mom is strong. She is one tough lady. She's had to put up with a lot of bullshit and drama from many different people. It has NEVER stopped her.

12. If I have a question about Jasper I always call her first and she has the answer on the top of her head. She fixed my booboos as a kid and now she's helping to fix my baby's.

13. She (usually) made our birthday cakes herself.

14. When I was in little kid school she hand made cards out of construction paper and put them into my lunch box. It was the best feeling to open my lunch in the cafeteria and see those cards(plus it made other kids jealous-I was evil). They made me smile every time and remembering them brings tears to my eyes. My Mom loved me so much.

15. My Mom would take us every day for a walk to meet my Dad after work. We'd always be a little bit early and sit next to the bay and just look at everything. The trees, the pinkish-purple flowers that I still don't know the name of. The birds flying overhead (Oh how I hate the bird that pooped on me!!) it was always a time of the day I looked forward to.

16. She buys us things. I told you before I'm petty and shallow; gifts make me happy! Just random items she saw and thought we'd like.

17. When I had my miscarriage she was there for me. She gave us lasagna and brownies. It was the yummiest food ever. Probably because I hadn't eaten in days and was super high on pills but who cares the reason. She checked on me often and made sure I was as OK as I could be.

18. When I was in the hospital having Jasper she was there the entire time and got us anything we needed. Different sized underwear, pajamas, ICE!, support.

19. She held my hand the entire time during the traumatically painful c-section. Justin was by my head or with Jasper. My Mom was there for me.

20. Her and Sam cleaned our entire place spotless so we had a squeaky clean house to take Jasper home to.

21. When we had no money she bought us groceries.

22. My Mom and Dad have taken us to Disneyland more times than I can remember!

23. She understands and forgives without much explanation.

24. She's always happy for me. Always encouraging me to do what I want with life and making sure I know that I'm capable.

25. She pushed my fat ass out of her vajayjay! I've been there-done that, now. It fucking sucks!

There you go! One reason my Mom is amazing for every year of my incredible life (There are so many more things I could add). Thanks for putting up with my crap for the last 25 years Mom. I know I was frequently unpleasant in the past. I'm sorry I ever made you feel like you weren't my magical superhero.

I often take people for granted; my Mom was no exception. But, it's because of my Mom that I've grown into the woman I've always wanted to be. She's taught me everything and has always been there if I needed her. I feel so lucky and blessed to have her as my Mommy. I never ever meant to make her feel otherwise.

I am proud as hell to call her my Mom. I love you Mommy!!

P.S. Jasper says he loves his Grandma!

Bloggy Faves!

I like them so much I've decided to make my own blog activity! I love to remember the things that make me happy. So using that inspiration here goes my activity. Of course feel free to copy this and use it in your own blog! All I ask is that you please link back to me (STEPHANIE DIANE!).

All posts require reasons for choosing each item, however brief. You also must include at least 1 picture per post (not for each item, although that would rock). Flickr is very helpful! Just make sure to give credit where do and only use photos approved for sharing. Complicated? Nah, just FUN!

Day 1- 1 tail of any animal on your fanny forever, what would it be?

Day 2- 2 places you want to visit before you die

Day 3- 3 of your favorite animals

Day 4- 4 pictures that make you feel warm and fuzzy inside

Day 5- 5 of your favorite books

Day 6- 6 movies you could watch over and over

Day 7- 7 foods or drinks that make you think of any holiday

Day 8- 8 random things you love (not including people)

Day 9- 9 memories that make you smile

Day 10- 10 things you'd like to do sometime in your life

I think that wraps it up!

One Truth

Blog activity-Day ten

One confession

When I think confession I think of some deep dark secret I never want to people to know about. I don't have any of those. A lesser known and interesting tid-bit about me will have to do. Isn't this whole blog riddled with those? Ahh, you're greedy and want one more aye? So what shall I confess to you then?

I love Mtn Dew. Not juicy enough? Hmm...How about I'm one of the people who can control their dreams? My Mom introduced me to it when I was a little girl to get rid of nightmares and I've been doing it ever since. Interesting huh? You want something bigger? Sheesh you're greedy.

I know!! I like to be naked. All the time. I get home from work, walk in the door, say hi to my little man, then go in my bedroom and strip. It's sooooo comfy. Yep, my naked fanny is all over our couches. Usually I'm sitting on a blanket though. It's been a little tougher since I became pregnant. Boobies leak and you have to wear nursing pads. :( I wear a tank top with a shelf bra. It's not the same.

How's that for a confession?! Haha, I'm pretty sure you didn't care to know that little diddy about me. Oh well! That's what you get for being greedy.

September

A teacher read this poem to my class when I was younger and I loved it. It seemed a fitting time to post it also.

September
The breezes taste
of apple peel.
The air is full
of smells to feel-

Ripe fruit, old footballs,
burning brush,
new books, erasers,
chalk and such.

The bee, his hive
well-honeyed hum,
and mother cuts
chrysanthemums.

Like plates washed clean
with suds, the days
are polished with
a morning haze.

-John Updike

Of course I would like it better if it were more autumn colored in nature but oh well. "The breezes taste of apple peel." Perfect description. Let's see, copying his format and his poem slightly let's pen one for October shall we? Stay tuned for the "October" post!

Two Smiles

Blog activity-Day nine

Two smiley's that describe your life right now

Ok I'll be honest. When I first read this I was confused as to what it meant. Did it mean two things that make me smile? Two happy things? So I checked other posts and apparently it means emoticons.

1. As you can see my first smiley is SO FRIGGIN' HAPPY!!! It also appears to be just a little bit crazy. Just like me!!!

2. My second smiley is completely in love. With my husband and my son. My life is bliss. Like floaty clouds, rainbows and butterflies. Just teasing! But it is damn amazing.

Three That Go "Yes!"

Blog activity-Day eight

Three turn-ons

I only have one turn-on.They all revolve around one thing/person. Can you guess what/who it is? 1. Body parts-All of them. My absolute favorite part is the area between the hips. Where the stomach fades down and it isn't really stomach or naughty parts. Where the happy trail meets the curly hair. That line of curly hair from hip to hip hides the best part of Justin. It makes me tap my toes together and giggle in a silly girly way.

2. Justin's attention-When I'm the center of it and he's holding me, touching me, talking to me, cuddling with me, kissing me and nothing takes him away.

3. Having fun-Relaxing and having fun with Justin. Whether it's on a date or at home playing a game. Laughing together and enjoying each others company makes me feel ridiculously lucky.

Believe it or not, Justin is not just a nice piece of ass. BWAHAHAHAHA!!

Vision of Me

Ghostly Solitude

Originally uploaded by Captain Shadow

The person in the mirror
Is my vision of me
Though I am not her at all.

She helps me through
When I need a friend
To the other side of the world
Through my wall.
-

I wrote this in high school. Brace yourself; It sounds crazy. I used to talk to myself while looking in the mirror. I liked to hear the sound of my voice and it was a helpful way for me to work out my problems.

In the first section I'm looking in the mirror. But the person in the reflection is a stronger, better version of me. Remember back in this post the three different me's? Well the reflection was "I". "I" would help "Me" work out my (or our) problems. Confused? :) We work in mysterious ways! Haha!

Before I continue I should note that I no longer talk to myself or any version thereof in this manner. I am and always was completely sane. I just found...shall we say entertaining ways to amuse myself and work out problems at the same time.

The second section "she helps me through" means two things. Helping me work through troubles and also helping me travel through the mirror to the other side where life was better. What is that saying? The grass is always greener on the other side? I'd imagine that in her world things were exactly how I wanted them. It was my way of daydreaming.

When I told Justin about this poem and it's history he looked at me like I was nucking futs. I suppose I can see why. :) Good thing he loves me so much.

Four Yucks

Blog activity-Day seven

Four turn offs

1.  Over-confidence or cockiness-It makes me want to break you down and put you in your place. *raising my pimp hand* hahaha!

2.  Boring-I'm not great at keeping conversations going so you need to be entertaining and get me to talk.

3.  Chewing food with your mouth open-Hate it!  I do not want to see you start digesting your food.  I don't care how big of bite you took.  Close your damn mouth or I'll bitch at you...and probably close it for you.

4.  Being too polite-A little bit of politeness is appreciated, don't get me wrong, but I'm a pervert.  I want a guy who will be naughty with me.  I want to be able to be goofy around them and not have to worry I'm being improper.  I want to wrestle with them, even though someone will probably get hurt.  Farting and burping is funny and they should think so too.

P.S.  Justin, you do none of the above things.  Except maybe #1 a little bit but that's okay because I like to keep you in line.  :)

The Fantastic Five

Blog activity-Day six

Five people who mean a lot (In no order whatsoever)

Well this post is just too easy!!

1. Justin-My hero, my love, my soul-mate, my everything. You may have noticed that I call Justin my faith. The reason is because of him I found I can put faith into things. He is my reason, my faith.

2. Jasper-Our little boy. I would die for him and almost did...3 times (I know I keep rubbing it in that my labor and delivery was hard and you're probably getting sick of reading it. Sorry, it's on my mind a lot though.) My little man is so perfect in every way. He has the best sense of humor. He'll stick his tongue out at you. He'll eat your face and drool all over both of us. He farts and then looks at you and giggles. He'll laugh at himself every time he sneezes. He loves to be tickled. He thinks it's great when you get him; which means gobble on his neck.

He'll get you back and laugh.

He's incredibly handsome and is a little heart-breaker who's only going to get more gorgeous. I could go on and on about how precious and wonderful our baby is.

3. Stephanie-Growing up with her was so much fun. Most of my favorite memories are with Steph. Tricycles speeding down the steep hill. Playing Annie or Cinderella. Playing in our forts. Playing school. Happy childhood memories that I'll never forget. I love that she's so sensitive.

4. Samantha-She's become a best friend. I love hanging out with her all the time. We have soooo much in common it's scary.

5. My Mom-She's incredibly supportive. My Mom is a best friend. She gives so much for us girls. Always working hard to provide for us even though we no longer live with her. She taught us not to take crap from anybody. That we can acheive anything we want. That if we want something to go after it. To be strong-minded and confident. She raised three great, intelligent, smart girls. Our Mommy is awesome.

Honorable mentions go out to my Dad and The best cousin ever, Micah.

The Six I Wish Away

Blog activity-Day five

Six things you wish you'd never done

1. I wish that I never would have gone to Carolyn Groom's New Years Eve party on December 31, 2003. That night torments me still.

2. I wish I would have acted more responsibly while living in California. There are many things I would have done differently. Let's just say it was my "growing up" year. I learned a lot about myself. Most of what I learned are the traits I DON'T want.

3. I wish I wouldn't have been so mean growing up. To everybody. Parents, sisters, friends, acquaintances. I wasn't very pleasant. Most of it, I believe would have been so much better if I would have been put on anti-depressants sooner.

4. I wish I'd never purchased that ugly wedding dress off ebay. Actually the dress would probably have been pretty if they'd sized it correctly. The measurements were no where near what I gave them. Ergh! Frustrations!

5. I wish I'd never let our money issues get so out of control. I know how to handle money but I just went along with some choices I should have thought over more. I made some mistakes I knew better about. Can you say Citibank personal loan? Stupid move award goes to me!

6. I wish I never would have let myself go. I was in decent enough shape; happy about my body and comfortably fit. Then I found Justin and was emotionally happy so I ate more with him and I put on a little weight.

My world slowly started to unravel and within the span of one year I was extremely depressed. It started on July 31, 2008. Justin's Step-dad Mike died of an accidental overdose and I put on more weight.

My Grandpa died in September 2008 and more pounds were added.

My cousin BJ died in a horribly gruesome hit and run on October 5, 2008 (The day of my bridal shower. Not many people came for obvious reasons) so I ate.

I married Justin on October 18, 2008 ...stress (There's a reason weddings turn brides into bridezillas.)

November 2008 It was decided that my Mother-In-Law would move in to our small apartment with us. I cried every day for 30 days. Afterwards it tapered off some.

January 2009 she moved in. It put a strain on all relationships. I will never get to enjoy the newlywed bliss of the "honeymoon phase" and for that my heart will always weep.

On March 3, 2009 I had a miscarriage which destroyed me. I couldn't function. I cried for so long the days ran together. I took so many pills because I no longer wanted to feel. I couldn't remember things. I didn't eat anything for a week. Then I devoured everything because I didn't care anymore. I will never forget our angel baby. I still cry and feel a heaviness in my chest that is my heart breaking when I think of them.

I got pregnant a few months later in late June 2009 and added some 30+ pounds overall during pregnancy. Luckily those all came off and I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight at my 2 week check up (but still extremely overweight). My labor and delivery was traumatic to say the least. I suffered PPD pretty badly along with intense PTSD as a result of feeling my C-section. I ate. Finally I talked to my OB about it at my 6 week follow up visit and was prescribed sertraline. I even cried in the Dr. office while trying to tell her I needed medication. I never EVER show my emotions to people (other than Justin). Crying was my lowest low ever.

So within the span of only one year I had grief and stress piling up higher and higher. Then I got pregnant and have you ever heard of a pregnant lady's hormones?! It was a little much for me to process. Two years of my life in a depressive funk that kept getting worse. I couldn't take it anymore. I was dying.

Finally, after the discovery of anti-depressants, my life (and eating) is at last under control. There is much damage for me to heal. It is going to be a slow and grueling process. Luckily I have the support of my amazing best friend. One of the many reasons Justin is my hero.

Hahahaha! That sure was a long #6 huh? I needed to vent. :) Thanks for listening Mr. Blog.

Seven In My Head

Blog activity-Day four
Seven things that cross my mind a lot

1. I can't wait to take my men to Disneyland! I daydream about his a lot. I am so excited for the day when I can take my family to the big DL! I've been there so many times and grew up loving all things Disney. To be able to share the fun with my family at "The happiest place on earth!" is going to be a time I will cherish always. Until the next year when we go again. and again. and again. :)

2. Sex...In detail.

3. The farm I want to live on some day. Chickens, fixing up the house, hunting for treasures for our place, working on the farm, gardening, etc.

Uploaded by ap0013 on 26 Aug 08, 7.14PM PDT.

4. Cleaning our house. There is always something that could be scrubbed a little more or dusted. I'm always making mental lists of all the chores that need done.

5. Cooking. I like to bake and cook. Putting on one of my cute aprons and making the kitchen smell enticing. Lurves it!

6. Jasper and Justin. If I'm not with them I'm worrying about them. I can't help it and sometimes I even cry because of the scenarios that flash through my head. (I said it before; I need to up my Sertraline.)

7. What kind of project can I start next? Usually it's crafty. I love having some type of artsy thing going on. Painting, drawing, working on Jasper's babybook/scrapbook. I also do puzzles and read many books.

On a side note, my sister Stephanie and I are going to start an Etsy shop!! Eeeeeeek, we are so excited!!!!!! I recently hooked her onto blogging. You should check it out over at Bakery Babe. Look for more posts about our shop coming soon!

Eight to My Heart

Blog activity-Day three

Eight ways to win your heart

1. Make me laugh-I mean really laugh. Not a small chuckle because I'm being polite. A true, can't help yourself, I'm gonna pee my pants, laugh.

2. Give me presents-Petty and shallow but unfortunately true. I like to receive gifts. I love handmade thoughtful ones best. (Note: I hate getting sweets as a present.)

3. Be down to earth-I like people just as drama free as I am. Be upfront and honest. If we have a problem let's come to a compromise and fix it.

4. Do not analyze everything-There is nothing worse than a person that has to investigate every tiny detail into why I do things, why things happen, what motivated a character, blah blah blah. It gets old fast.

5. Flowers-What can I say? I like typical girly stuff. My favorites are peonies. Something about them puts me into a dreamy state.

6. Pick a book for me-I love when Justin comes home from the store and has picked out a book to surprise me with. It's such a truly thoughtful treat. Especially when I love the book!

7. Take me camping-Outside, away from people, next to a water source for playing. Heaven.

8. Love me-No better way to my heart than to love me and let me know it.

My Nine

Blog activity-Day two

Nine things about yourself

1. I believe in magic. I choose to believe it exists. Whether it is the magic of everyday things like new life and flowers following the sun or witches and wizards and cauldrons that bubble. It is real. It is real because I believe it is. That's how it works in my world.

2. I'm a wee mad. I used to think of myself as three different aspects of myself. There was "Tayia", this is the person who everyone thought Tayia should be. I often played up that character. There was "I" which is who I wanted myself to be. And then there was "Me" which was who I truly was. I wrote a poem about this. I'll share that in my next post. It is quite interesting and perhaps a tad crazy.

3. I LOVE to chop wood! Absolutely love it. Swinging the axe is so much fun. I love how it takes your entire body to get a good chop. I love being outside. I love the smell. I love the sound. I love finding stray bugs still living on the rounds. I love finding the little cracks to follow in the center. But you know what I love most? The violence!!!!! Muah ha ha!! (After reading my #2 item you're probably a little scared now aren't you?(Lol, #2...poop)) Seriously though, I will come and chop your wood for free. It's the best thing in the world.

4. I like to be in charge. In middle school I was the organizer and director of a school play. In high school I was the senior class vice president, cheerleading captain, editor/business manager of the yearbook and Toledo Summer Festival senior princess (I did that one for the parades :D). After high school I became the cheerleading coach for a few years. Now I just run our house. ( :) Love you Snuggs!)

5. Milk is awesome. I could drink it all the time. All day. My favorite is fat free milk. Yummy! If that was the only thing I could ever drink again, I would be a happy cow.

6. Fleas, ticks and all kinds of flies disgust me. I hate, hate, hate them!! They are vile little buggers. It's not a silly little girly feeling like, "Eeeeew *squeal* bugs!". It's more like, "Kill the nasty creatures!!!!!!" And then I use my ninja skills and attack. They are so unsanitary. Blagh!

7. I've fractured my right ulna. Me and my sister Stephanie were swinging on a tire swing at my Grandma's house. I told Steph, "Push me when I say 'ok'. Ok?" My bad. She pushed. I was able to hold on until the highest part on the swing when you have that pause before you come back down. That's when I fell. I was falling head first and put out my arms to stop me. A stick also stabbed a huge hole in between my bottom lip and my gums. Try pulling your bottom lip down right now. You feel that connecting tissue between your lip and gums? The stick poked right through that and made a pocket into my chin. No more connecting tissue for me. I also have a nice scar in my mouth.

8. I went to Vegas for graduation. For my senior graduation present my Aunt Marty and Uncle Mike (Micah's parents) took me on a road trip to Vegas with their family. It was sooooooo much fun. There are many fond memories of that trip. It was the best present!

9. My family means everything to me. I will do anything for them. My husband and son are my world. Without them I would be lost. My sisters are my best friends. So is my cousin, Micah. A person would be a fool to attempt to cross any member of my family. We're like Africanized bees people. Africanized. Bees.

Ten To Ten

Blog activity-Day one
10 things you'd like to say to 10 different people

1. To my husband, Justin-I love you so much, but you already know that. What you may not know is that I think about you all the time. I'm always in awe of how amazing you are and how lucky I am that you are mine.

2. To my baby, Jasper-You have barely been on this world and yet you know more love than many children. Your Daddy and I will do anything for you. Just please don't give us your sad face. You'll get whatever you want with that adorable look of yours.

3. To my sister, Stephanie-I love you, Steph. I know it was never said much growing up but I'm saying it now. I want us to be closer. We're sisters and sometimes I feel like there is a huge boulder between us. Let's beat it to rubble shall we?

4. To my parents-Growing up with you was hard. At times it made me so angry. I wish you would have done things differently. Other times I felt I had the best parents anyone could ask for. I love you both. Because of you, I know how much those things mean to me and what I want for my family.

5. To my mother-in-law, Debbie-I want us to be close. I do love you but it's not my way to say it so freely. I know that you want what is best for us but sometimes I wish you'd back off a little. It's our turn to be grown-ups and we need space to stretch our wings or we'll never learn to do it on our own. When we need help, trust me, we'll come running fast.

6. To my dog, Hemi-I'm so sorry you had to be taken away. I wish I had a home you could have lived at with me. Losing you was the hardest and I think about you often. I hope you found a great family.

7. To the collectors-Go away! You are so damn annoying. When we give you our lawyers information, stop calling!

8. To myself-You will only reach your goals if you get off your ass and start making changes. No one is going to hand you your dream life.

9. To Taylor Lautner-You are incredibly hot and sexy and that sucks because it makes me feel so wrong. However, I think much of your appeal is that you can turn into a wolf which happens to be my favorite animal. I conclude that you are not hot; your character Jacob is hot.

10. To my cousin, Micah-Journeyman project turbo, one pot of cheesy mashed potatoes, shots of soda pop, staying up late to make blueberry cobbler and deep fried doughnuts. Those memories make me smile. I miss our sleepovers.

10 Day Game

I found this over at Heather Drive. I love these little blog game/activities. They are such a fun way to keep you posting. I also love the way they make you examine yourself. Here it goes!

Are you in a blogging slump? Here is a fun blogging activity to help you hit "publish post" again! Over the next 10 days, blog about the items on this list:

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession

Feel free to take this and play along!!

Mommy Magic

With a kiss from Mommy

Booboos are better.

A hug makes me warm inside.

She holds my hand

And I'm invincible.

She says I'm her source of pride.

Mommy chases away the monsters

And keeps me safe and sound.

We do fun things together

Mommy's love is all around.

Hush Little Baby

In this case Justin, my love, is the baby. Tonight is the first night Jasper is sleeping in his crib. Usually he sleeps strapped into his swing in our room. Tonight, I set him in his crib after his evening diaper change while I got ready for bed. He was content staring at his mobile and listening to some Bach and Beethoven. We went in there to check on him and guess what? Little man was asleep.

I've been wanting to try to put him in his crib for a while now. When he's in his swing he looks soooo uncomfortable scrunched up and not lying flat. Never lying down or sprawled over the bed? That can't be nice.

Right now his arms and legs are all stretched out and he looks like he's in heaven. Justin is not taking it well. He's afraid Jasper will roll over and die. :( I must admit that it scares me not having him sleep right next to us. But he's a strong little boy. He can roll over if and when he wants. On the off chance he's stuck on his tummy he will scream and wake us up to fix it. I don't think that it will even be a problem though.

Ahhh, we're both stressed out about this. Parents put their kids to bed in cribs all the time right? Jasper will be safe. The monitor is turned up on high. We need to breathe.

Sleeping angel :) Gosh we made a perfect baby.

Part III

After Justin and I found each other the world changed. It's been a slow process but for once I am blissfully happy. I still have off days, well actually they are fleeting moments now. And I'm sure I have sertraline to thank bunches for that. But even before I started taking the depression pills my outlook on life perked up. Justin has been my shoulder to cry on more times than I can count. When we first got together he would joke that he was working on getting the fuck-off sign off my forehead. :) He understood me better than I knew myself sometimes. He did what no one else could, had they tried. Justin broke down my walls and found ME. The real me. I thank him every day, sometimes more than once. He saved me. He really is my hero. After a night of cuddling, as I was drifting to sleep in the special spot on his shoulder that was chiseled out just for me, a poem smacked me in the head. It was just there *poof* all at once. Whole and complete and perfect.
-

Justin
You are the man
Guided by fate
A love matched by none
With you lies my faith.

Destiny revealed
This spell is done
Spirits and forces
Thank you for love.

-
I will never take Justin for granted. We've been together for almost 3 years now and have never once fought. When something is bugging us we simply talk about it and then we're done. He helps me when I'm having rough times. I help him. He's so much stronger than me; it's hard to know when he needs help. Our relationship truly is perfect. We are soulmates. Justin is my best friend, my playmate, my partner in crime, my silly companion, my love, my reason for being happy, my soulmate, my everything.

Words have yet to be found to tell you how much this man means to me. I'm still searching. For now this will have to suffice. I love you, Justin. You rock my socks. ;)

Part II

I believe in the power of peoples faith. I think that all Gods and Goddesses are real and live simply because they are believed in. Chants, spells, chapters, verses, etc. are all different ways that people use words to focus their thoughts and prayers. I write my own because it is what works best for me. When I was lonely and at my worst I wrote a poem or spell as I call it. Because what is a spell, but a poem you chant and pour your faith into? I wrote a spell to find my soulmate.
-

Spirits near
Spirits far
Spirits of love
Spirits for the heart

Hear this cry
Hear my plea
Guide me to the man
Destined for me

-
I would say this every night while laying in bed wishing for love. I would chant it over and over. I would cry and plead for the Gods to hear me. I would say it when I was happy, when I was bored, when I was hurt. It was the spell that I put everything I had into. And it was the spell that changed my life.

One day I got a message from some guy on Myspace. It was just a small thing saying hi and that he noticed me. I checked out his profile and he was cute. He seemed pretty down to Earth, normal and we liked many similar things. Usually I just delete these people and think nothing of it ever again. But as I was looking at his pictures my spell went through my head and got stuck there. I KNEW if I wanted things to change I had to give him a shot. That I NEEDED to talk to this man. So I wrote him back. What do you know, he turned out to be the love I'd dreamed about. He is my everything, my faith, and I prayed for him.

Because of the spell I wrote and poured my faith into, I found my soulmate. I choose to believe that all gods exist and magic is real.

Part I

This is part I of my III part story finding love. I wrote this before I met Justin. Right after I fled from California. I was depressed, alone, lost and hurt.
-

It's hard to dream
Of a love unchained
When all you see
Is hope afraid.

Scorned and spurned
I stand alone.
Trusting no one
A forgotten rogue.

-
Let's break it down shall we?

It's hard to dream of a love unchained-It was almost impossible to believe in love. I hadn't seen a good working relationship. I was doubtful true love existed. Any kind of loving relationship seemed impossible between family or friends.

When all you see is hope afraid-My parents relationship. It was volatile and often abusive both ways. Sometimes it spilled over to include me and my sisters. When I lived in California, there was so much anger in the relationships there. Could anyone be truly happy? As soon as things looked brighter, as soon as people became happy, rage would bring out the storms.

Scorned and spurned-People hurt me. Hurt me in aweful ways that I'm still, to this day, trying to get over. My Dad told me,"You're to much of a bitch for anyone to ever love." Ouch. A guy once did some bad things(later if I'm brave enough I'll explain.) I'm lucky enough to have found an amazing man who has helped me to mostly get over these fears.

I stand alone-Pretty easy interpretation. I was all alone. I had no one to talk to. No one to help me break free. I was drowning in my sadness.

Trusting no one-Again easy to get what I was meaning here. I trusted NO ONE but myself. People will fail you. Always.

A forgotten rogue-Forgotten because I was left behind. It seemed like no one cared enough about me to at least get me help. No one even knew I was so hurt and broken inside. Rogue because after being so stupid to let myself get hurt, I went rogue. Pissed, furious, vengeful, hateful and never trusting anyone. I was on the outside, I put myself there and that's the way I wanted to keep it.

Panic

A statue of panic in a vortex of smiling faces
Melting, contorting, twisting into my juggernaut of fears.

A crushing corset tightened by hidden evils
I long for razor claws to rip the straight-jacket melded to my chest.

I tremble like a waters surface when the earth quakes
Raging quiet screams in my ears drowning all thought

Reality fuzzes away and teases relief in the distance

I need my faith
Take me away
Run with me
Save me

-

I always loved this line: My panic grows manic until I can't stand it. I had an anxiety attack at The Perkins family reunion. Too many people, too close, too much. I think I may need to up my crazy pills.

Complicated

Complicated is a fun word to say. Try it out. Complicated, it has clicking sounds when I say it. Oh the simple pleasures. I'm complicated. That's what I was getting to. Let me explain.

I love Rob Zombie, Katy Perry, Nickelback, Metallica and Taylor Swift.
I hate to cry but I love to cry so Justin holds me close ;) sneaky huh?
I love to dress up but often don't.
I love shopping but feel so guilty about it I buy things I don't really want instead of the things I do.
I love all aspects of water but am sometimes afraid of it.
I can not stand emotional people, even though I can be passionate about things.
I dislike being the center of attention but I love to lead and teach.
I hate crowds but I love cheerleading.
I can go from crazy happy and giddy to fucking pissed over something stupid.
Even though I realize my logic is irrational, it doesn't change the way I feel.
When I say "whatever" or "It doesn't matter" it usually matters very much and I'm livid.
I expect people to understand others with little vocabulary because I can.
I love to sing but embarrass myself, even if I'm alone.
I love to edit writing.
I love to break punctuation rules.
I love having a blog.
I love writing on my blog but I rarely do.
I feel like if you don't want to give everything then why try.
I love with all my heart if you are lucky enough to get noticed.
I don't trust people.
I don't forgive and I rarely forget.
I'm trying very hard to live a happy life.
I'm trying very hard to let things go.
The reason I don't like to hear about sad things or watch upsetting movies is because they break my heart.
I don't sympathize with people.
I don't comfort people.
I absolutely love books but I dislike book clubs.
I like helping people find a book they'd like, only if they have similar taste to mine.
I understand and like to notice when I read, things like character building, foreshadowing, descriptions, contradictory aspects, climaxes, where the author got the inspiration for ideas and what made them describe the information that way.
I hate discussing books.
I love country life and want to live on a farm.
I love being in a big city.
My views on religion make complete and total sense to me.
My views on religion are more like feelings and I have great difficulty and feel silly trying to explain them.
I love using a large vocabulary and understanding words.
I like to talk like a little kid and dork.

*sigh*
I wish people would understand me better.
I love being complicated.

Long Time, No Post

Sheesh, it's been a very long time since I've posted. I'm a bad kid. I've been too busy playing on facebook! Haha, wow, so very sad huh?

Me and Justin have been busy getting to know our little man. Jasper is growing like a weed. At his last check-up he was 13.2lb and 24 1/2inches. He got his first set of shots. Poor baby, it broke my heart to see him cry so hard. He cried HARD for a half hour straight and then whimpered for another hour. I'm not even exaggerating. It was aweful.

Ever since we got home from the hospital I was very emotional and upset over everything. I kept picturing Jasper, Justin and/or me dying. I would cry for hours over anything. AAAANNNNDDDD so I told my doctor and was put on Sertraline. I am SO MUCH BETTER!

LIFE is so much better!!

Why didn't anyone insist to me to get on anti-depressants sooner? I mean, it was pretty clear I've been depressed for a long time. Even I knew it. I was just too afraid to speak with a doctor about it. But after I had Jasper I was at my lowest low and something had to be done. On the plus side I never once thought of hurting my baby. I hear some mothers have those thoughts. I'm glad I never did. I would feel so SO guilty about my feelings and that would kill me.

It's wierd. Who knew life could be this amazing and wonderful? I am ridiculously lucky. I should go to Vegas, my luck is that good. I'll settle for a scratch-it.

Little Man

A picture overload of our little man. Jasper Nolan-Lee Perkins born April 10, 2010 at 1:26pm. He was 9lb 3oz and 22 1/4 inches long. He's our big boy! Justin is amazing and is such a great daddy. He's been helping me so much. Now there are two men in my life and I am so in love with both of them.