Tinker Moth

As we were heading down to the water Jasper made an exciting discovery. On the side of our home was a moth.

Both kids got overly animated. I didn't quite understand all the hype. Even for my kids, they were excessively awed by this particular bug. Avey much more so than Jasper.

Jasper: Mommy look it's a moff! A moff! Oh my goodness is so adowable. Look sissy, a moff!

Avabella: AAH! Mommy! Wook, wook! Oh tute! Oh dosh! *high pitch girly squeels*

Aves is jumping, pointing and wiggling so much trying to get me to put her down so she can get an up close view. What has gotten in to her?!

Me: Uh huh it's a very cute moth. Come on guys lets go play in the water.

Avabella: Nooo!!!

Me: Ok!! Geez fine let's go see it. Just stop screeching at me, monster.

Naturally Jasper poked it. The "adorable" moth took off flying in the sunshine. It was in the next moment I discovered why my little princess was so VERY excited about an ugly moth when usually she hates bugs and says eew.

Avabella, my little mandrake root, squealed in her highest, girliest voice. Pointing and jumping up and down. Eyes glued to Mr. Moth as it fluttered away. The most excited I think I have ever seen her. Ever.

Avabella: HAHBELL!!!!! Mommy woot, Hahbell!!

Que the awe's. My darling little daughter found a fairy. Tinkerbell.

Thank you, Bella-boo. Thank you so much to both my babies for reminding me that magic is everywhere. You close my eyes again and again so that I can once more see with my heart the treasures all around.

Baby P

Those who know me well already know the sad part of this story. In March 2009 I was pregnant. I didn't stay pregnant. It was and still is the hardest thing I've dealt with. 

Every March since then I've done things I wouldn't normally do. Whether I'm looking for some twisted form of comfort or acceptance, who the hell knows. It's how I deal apparently. This year was no different. 

I know people say you shouldn't but I blame myself for the loss. I should have gone a little easier. I shouldn't have stressed so much. I should have prepared better. It was my fault and every March I remember. Every March hurts. Every March I do stupid things. I don't know if it's an odd form of grieving or healing or just me being nutso but I do it. Every March. 

I saw this thing that's been going around about a mother who turned her sons grave into a sandbox so his brother could play with him. Maybe you've seen it? If you look closely and read the headstone there is a sweet poem written there. I loved it so much. This year I used it to write my own words to our baby that we never got to see. 

To my tiny Baby P:

You are my angel, my darling, my star,

And my love will find you,

Wherever you are. 

Although you were in our lives for mere moments, we both love you so very much and think about you often. Watch over your younger brother and sister for us, my precious angel. 

Love,

Mommy

It's not much but it makes me cry every time. In my head I always add, "I'm sorry I failed you and couldn't keep you safe."

March sucks. 

The Countdown

We had all my pre-operation visits today.  I'm very excited and ready to meet Bailee.  I'll give the bad news first:  My blood pressure was 122/80something.  It's still good but 80something is high for me.  The doctors didn't seem worried at all so I won't be.  I have been quite stressed lately so I'm shrugging off a high normal.  I've gained 3lbs since last visit bringing my weight to 255lb for a total pregnancy weight change of minus 13lbs.  That's a great overall loss but I'm still bummed.  I'm attributing the gain to drinking much more water (3-4 more bottles than usual).

The good news:  Bailee and I look great.  We're measuring at 42 weeks.  The doctors and me estimate that she is going to be a big baby.  I was thinking that she'd be right at the same measurements Jasper was (9.3lb, 22 1/4") or maybe a tad smaller because she's coming a week and a day earlier than Jasper and won't have as long to cook.  If I'm honest with myself she feels much larger than Jasper did.  She has her legs up under my boobs, I can feel her moving on both sides of my tummy and twisting her head around low in my hips.  All at the same time.  Yeah, If I'm honest with myself I think she'll be larger than Jasper was.  I'm going to guess 10lb 2oz and 23inches.  If I'm going to guess, might as well go big right?

After our doctor visit we went up to labor and delivery to do more pre-op paperwork.  We had done some downstairs too.  Then the anesthesiologist met us up there and we went through my extensive, horrible background.  Long story short:  He feels confident a spinal will work.  They are giving me drugs at the same time as the spinal to keep my heart rate up.  No waiting until it starts to crash.  It's either epinephrine or ephedrine.  I get those mixed up.  I'm pretty sure the doctors won't ...or at least I'm hoping, lol.  If I feel any pain at all, meaning the spinal isn't working, he will immediately intubate  and put me under general anesthesia.  I am extremely happy with this news.  I feel very confident things will go smoothly this time.  With them knowing my history and prepared for the worst I don't see how it can go wrong.

Next, we went on a mini tour of the labor and delivery wing.  I say mini tour because man is that place tiny!  The nurses seem kind and definitely willing to accommodate.  I hope Justin doesn't give everyone too hard of a time.  He can be slightly overprotective.  Debbie refers to him as a pitbull protecting us.  I must say that is completely and utterly accurate.

Only 5 days until we meet Bailee!

Because there are 5 days left I keep singing the beginning of this song.  I can't help myself.

Bailee

We found your name!  We will call you Bailee.  For certain.  No changies or take-backs.  We're pretty certain about your middle name as well but that'll remain a secret until the big day.

All was well at the appointment today.  My blood pressure was 120(something)/70(something).  I now weigh 252lbs.  Woohoo!  I met with the last doctor in the OB department and I really like him, too.  I'm a huge fan of all the OB doctors at Newport!  Yayyy!!

On June 5th we have our final appointment with Morishita for all of the pre-op paperwork and mumbo jumbo.  Mumbo Jumbo is the technical term.  Daddy and I will take a tour of the hospital at that time.  Right after that appt. is one with the anesthesiologist because Mommies body doesn't handle stuff well.

Babies tend to quit moving so much as you get later in pregnancy because there is such limited space.  You haven't slowed down a bit.  Not even a little.  In fact, I'm certain you've become more active.  It's pretty fun to play "guess that body part" with you.  You like to move them around as soon as I get a good feel.

The doctors keep asking if I think you'll be as big as your brother was.  I'm thinking, yes.  You feel pretty big.  We'll see.

Only 12 days until we get to see your sweet face!

Little Lady

Little Lady,

Some changes have been made.  First and most important.  Mommy has come clean and told Daddy that she isn't a huge fan of the name Avabella.  As of right now you are called Little Lady.  Sorry about that.  We have some ideas but will keep them to ourselves until we are absolutely positive this time.  You can blame it all on Mommy.  I kept going with the flow hoping the name would grow on me but no such luck.

We've also switched hospitals.  We are now patients of the Newport hospital.  They seem very nice and intelligent so as long as we stay out of the ER we should be good.  The csection is still scheduled for June 11th with Morishita; Renner will be assisting.  We're having weekly checkups now since your due date is only 26 days away.

26 DAYS!!!

I'm crossing my fingers and hoping (even praying) that the horrid people downstairs move out soon.  Your nursery set up and my stress/sanity is depending on it.  You see, when the people downstairs move out, your Grandma Debbie will be moving downstairs.  Mommy and Daddy will be moving into the room she was in.  You and your brother, Jasper, will share the big room full of toys.  It's all riding on the people downstairs.  We're cutting it close and it's stressing me out terribly.

In other news, all was great at today's checkup.  My blood pressure was 118/70.  My urine looked good.  Usually that statement would be kinda weird but since I had a kidney stone a few weeks ago, to have good urine now is a very good thing.  I'm down to 256lb now!  When we started this little adventure I weighed 268lb.  Heck yes!  12lb weight loss!  Mommy will be meeting with the anesthesiologist in a few weeks to discuss the drama about me and epidurals.  They will get all the info they need and I will get my fears eased.  I'm so glad Renner scheduled that today for me.  It is a huge relief knowing that we'll be prepared for any crap that happens this time.

I can't wait to meet you sweet-bean.

Note:  This is the most current photo of you in my big belly.  Kaidynce is playing with your Great Grandma's dog Tuffy.  More on that visit coming soon.

Checkup

Well little lady,

At the last doctor checkup all was going great.  Mommy has lost a total of 4lbs since the beginning of this pregnancy.  Woop woop!  The doctor is not concerned.  #1-the reason I'm losing weight is because of healthier eating and exercise.  #2-My uterus is measuring exactly where it's supposed to be.  I can't wait to see how much I weigh after having you.  With Jasper I gained a total of 32lbs throughout the entire pregnancy.  All of that was gained in the last five months.  After I had him I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight within one week.  Me and you only have 8 weeks to go and I am still below my pre-pregnancy weight.  It will be interesting to see how big you are and how much I lose.

My blood pressure is great but I have to pee in a cup at every visit now, just to be safe.  They don't want pre-eclampsia sneaking up on me again like it did before.  They also had me do the glucose test which involved drinking something similar to a flat uber sugary orange soda.  Yum... not.  Then they take some blood.  We will find out the results to those tests later this week but I think everything will come back just fine.

 

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The rest of the appointments for this pregnancy are all scheduled.  Only four visits left!  Ahh!  You're going to be here before we know it.

Scared

Even while we were still thinking about getting pregnant I was getting nervous.  As the due date is getting closer, I'm starting to freak out more and more.  I am terrified of having a repeat csection experience.  Terrified!  If it goes badly again, this will probably be our last baby and I really don't want that.  I'm hoping for four kids.  A person can only take so much trauma.  It really messed with me and made many things... uncomfortable to deal with.  I still replay it over and over in my head and recall all the awful little details.  "Women forget the pain of childbirth"  bull-fucking-shit!  I call a B.S. on whoever made that crap up.  I can tell you every terrible part in painful, gory detail while I'm crying my eyes out and lash out at anyone who so much as attempts to touch me how much lying horse crap is in that saying.  Perhaps fools forget.  I will never.

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Please for the love of whomever, don't let me feel anything.  Please, oh please, let the drugs work.  Please.  Please let this happen without traumatizing me too badly.

Pretty please?

Avabella

Our little girl is going to be a diva with a 'tude. It's pretty inevitable I think. When I think of her all I see is pretty frills, unicorns and princesses. But I'm pretty sure the reality will be hissy fits, muddy tutus, and tormenting the dog with her big brother. When I see her future, I see

Precious handmade outfits by Mommy

With ridiculously big hair bows or flowers

Cute little tushies hidden by tutus

and glitter dances.

While I'm positive she will wear all of the handmade or store bought adorableness I've mentioned. I'm also pretty positive she will love the mud and outdoors just like her brother. She will hunt for bugs and play in whatever yuck she can find. She will ride on the four-wheeler and be a little rebel hellion with a dare-devil streak that will give me a heart attack. Our muddy little princess.

Add a bow and tutu... Pretty much sums it up.

*Most of these pics can be found on my Pinterest board Kid Clothes. Follow me there for more awesomeness. Click on the pic to be taken to its respective pin. Then you can go to their website. Like what I did there? Making you go to my pin board if you want more info? Yeah, I can be evil.

Unleash the Kraken!!!

Warning: Way too much information about a pregnant lady and pee-pee.

My last post was about pee-pee and hey, why stop now? So as you may be aware, when a woman
is pregnant, going pee is a big deal. It happens all the time. Like every half hour. If you manage to hold it for longer than that? When you do finally "go" it's like a fire hydrant blowing its top. Ahh the relief. So I had been holding it for hours. Hours people! That's a pretty remarkable feat.

Let me lead you through my little diva Avabella's thought process:
First: Hey, what the heck is this thing taking up all my room?
Then came: Hmm, what happens if I go ninja on its ass?
And finally: Oh hey, why is Mommy shaking me all around and screaming?

And that was my queue to haul ass to the bathroom. Once I sat down it was heaven I'm telling you. Heaven. I might have even said, "Unleash the Kraken!!!!" because it was that great of a pee.

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Now, aren't you glad you took the time to read this post?

I have to pee

There are just some things you do not do to a pregnant lady. For instance, you DO NOT wake a pregnant lady up and then dominate the bathroom so she is unable to use it. No pregnant lady should be forced to hold it after waking up from a (rare) good nights sleep. I'm surprised this isn't a law already. Should this happen again, I will not be held accountable for my actions.

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Except I can guarantee I was not smiling all cutesy when I had to hold it.

Peanut

Dear Peanut,

Much has happened in the past months. I feel you moving more every day, which constantly makes me smile. You are growing beautifully and are a very healthy baby. We were able to see a glimpse of you for the first time on an ultrasound this past week. I'm ecstatic to announce that you are indeed a girl just like Mommy and Daddy thought.

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Daddy and I, after much thought and debate, came up with your name. You will be named Avabella Marie-Lee Perkins. Daddy really loves the name Ava. When he suggested it I could do nothing but agree. However, I wanted you to have a longer first name so I suggested adding "bella" to it. Ta-daa! Avabella.

Why did I choose bella? Bell, reminds me of Christmas. My absolute favorite holiday. Ella, reminds me of Cinderella and all things Disney. You will love Disney. It's magical. So see? Bella is rather a perfect addition to the Ava your Daddy has his heart set on.

As part of our "family thing" every baby will have Lee somewhere in their name. Daddy's middle name is Lee and my maiden name was Leech. Lee represents both of us. Now it is for all of us. Marie we just like a lot. I'm not quite convinced on that name yet.

One thing we are positive, we will call you Ava. Avabella when you're in trouble. :)

Move it

I felt the baby move the other day. I'll be 17 weeks tomorrow. I was having a particularly crabby day. Nothing seemed to be going right and I was getting pretty upset. It was just one of those days. Then I felt baby peanut do a triple rotating backflip (or something close to that). It was the best pick me up I could have hoped for. I was grinning like a fool the rest of the day and everything was perfect. I love being a Mommy. We should get to find out the sex soon. Yay for ultrasounds!

I can't get enough of this picture. Jasper was trying to walk with Justin's shoes on but he needed some help. Those suckers are heavy. He thought it was great fun when Daddy came to save the day.

Two Lines!

Warning: This post may be TMI for some people. It's really not that bad though.

Justin and I actually tried to get pregnant this month. Meaning I actually paid attention to the days we should do it. I didn't really expect to get pregnant but we were hoping.

I had begun to notice a few things that may be early signs of pregnancy. But honestly it's difficult to tell because often those symptoms are the same as PMS. I kept thinking, "hmm maybe ...nah". It sucks to get your hopes up for nothing. So I tried not to.

The other night Justin came into bed late and I guess I was sprawled out, immitating a furnace and making "the noises". "The noises" are the noises I make when I'm sleeping and pregnant. It drives Justin nuts but it soothes me. Haha! They're kind of like snoring but instead of a snore I make this sigh sound. Don't know why I started that. I did it so much while pregnant with Jasper that he does it too. He's done it since birth. The nurses would all comment on the adorable little noises he makes while he sleeps. It still makes me smile every time I hear it.

A day before I was supposed to meet the Crimson Goddess I decided I wanted to take a test. This way we could either start being crazy happy or I could expect the dreaded crap that is a curse to women.

Off to the good ol' Dollar Tree we went to pick up a pregnancy test. Did you know that those tests are more accurate than many of the more expensive tests? Keep that in mind if you're like me and like to take many tests to watch the pink strip get darker as your HCG levels get higher. Love it!

So then we went home and I did the test. Of course, as soon as I put the drops of pee pee on the test I had to stare at it. Mind you, I'm still on the toilet with my pants around my ankles, the test packaging is torn all over on the floor and I'm just holding the test in front of my face making sure it is VERY level and staring. I'm sure it's not that big of a deal but the test instructions say 5 drops of pee and make sure the test stays level. I'm always paranoid that somehow it will ruin everything if I do 4 or 6 drops. Or if the test tilts slightly I make a panicked face and right it immediately. Lol!

Okay, back on topic. So I'm sitting there looking at the test and all the color is moving up the strip and into the control line. I'm instantly bummed. There's no sign that the other line is going to show up. I put the test down, finish up and wash my hands. Then I pick the test back up not expecting much. I'm still seeing the color move through the strip and into the control line. But as the color is traveling it seems to be leaving behind another line! What?!?!

I keep watching the test as BOTH lines get darker and darker. I tested a day before my period and I got a no-questions-about-it double pink line.

WE'RE PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jasper is going to be a big brother! Justin is just as excited as I am. We can't believe we're going to be parents of two kids. The new arrival should be here June of 2012.

BABY!!!

*Note: As ladies who've taken these tests before know, it was brighter and more pink the day I took it. As the test dries up the colors darken.