Baby P

Those who know me well already know the sad part of this story. In March 2009 I was pregnant. I didn't stay pregnant. It was and still is the hardest thing I've dealt with. 

Every March since then I've done things I wouldn't normally do. Whether I'm looking for some twisted form of comfort or acceptance, who the hell knows. It's how I deal apparently. This year was no different. 

I know people say you shouldn't but I blame myself for the loss. I should have gone a little easier. I shouldn't have stressed so much. I should have prepared better. It was my fault and every March I remember. Every March hurts. Every March I do stupid things. I don't know if it's an odd form of grieving or healing or just me being nutso but I do it. Every March. 

I saw this thing that's been going around about a mother who turned her sons grave into a sandbox so his brother could play with him. Maybe you've seen it? If you look closely and read the headstone there is a sweet poem written there. I loved it so much. This year I used it to write my own words to our baby that we never got to see. 

To my tiny Baby P:

You are my angel, my darling, my star,

And my love will find you,

Wherever you are. 

Although you were in our lives for mere moments, we both love you so very much and think about you often. Watch over your younger brother and sister for us, my precious angel. 

Love,

Mommy

It's not much but it makes me cry every time. In my head I always add, "I'm sorry I failed you and couldn't keep you safe."

March sucks. 

Stuff On TV

Two random things I discovered while watching tv. 

#1-  I was watching Animal Cops:  Luckiest Babies.  That right there should have been a big no-no for me.  But it said "luckiest babies" so that has to mean happy endings right?  It did but that didn't make the situations any less sad.  One Mommy dog and her litter of fourteen puppies (four-frickin-teen!) had been abandoned in a house.  It was obvious no human had been there in a long time.  Every puppy from that litter was a cute chunky little baby.  Every single one of the fourteen!  What an fantastic Mommy.  Some dogs suck at being Moms.  This was not one of those dogs.  I hope she got some great treat and a lucky family to spoil her.  She deserves it.

#2-  I'm constantly looking for cheerleading shows online.  Mostly the competitions that have recently aired.  My sister was able to see all of them and I haven't found even the tail-end of one.  We have the same channels.  I don't get it.  So I'm flipping through the guide and I see Cheerleader Camp.  I get totally excited!  Then totally disappointed.  It's a porno.  This happens to me every time.  Cheerleader Camp, Cheerleader Tryouts, Cheerleaders, etc.  I must say I was suspicious when once I read Sassy Cheerleader Girls.  That title tipped me off.  You'd think I'd remember but I see the word "cheerlead" in it and I get all giddy.  I'd like to point out that I always read the description and even if I simply clicked it, we don't get that particular naughty channel.

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Have you ever seen something on tv and wanted to comment to someone about it but no one was there with you?