Baby P

Those who know me well already know the sad part of this story. In March 2009 I was pregnant. I didn't stay pregnant. It was and still is the hardest thing I've dealt with. 

Every March since then I've done things I wouldn't normally do. Whether I'm looking for some twisted form of comfort or acceptance, who the hell knows. It's how I deal apparently. This year was no different. 

I know people say you shouldn't but I blame myself for the loss. I should have gone a little easier. I shouldn't have stressed so much. I should have prepared better. It was my fault and every March I remember. Every March hurts. Every March I do stupid things. I don't know if it's an odd form of grieving or healing or just me being nutso but I do it. Every March. 

I saw this thing that's been going around about a mother who turned her sons grave into a sandbox so his brother could play with him. Maybe you've seen it? If you look closely and read the headstone there is a sweet poem written there. I loved it so much. This year I used it to write my own words to our baby that we never got to see. 

To my tiny Baby P:

You are my angel, my darling, my star,

And my love will find you,

Wherever you are. 

Although you were in our lives for mere moments, we both love you so very much and think about you often. Watch over your younger brother and sister for us, my precious angel. 

Love,

Mommy

It's not much but it makes me cry every time. In my head I always add, "I'm sorry I failed you and couldn't keep you safe."

March sucks. 

Lullaby Update

Before Jasper was born I wrote him a lullaby and I plan to do it with every child we have.  I'm in the process of writing a lullaby for this baby.  A few more verses were added to Jasper's Lullaby after I had posted it though.  Here is the whole thing.

Jasper's Lullaby

Jasper, my love, hush close your eyes
While Mommy sings your lullaby.

Baby mice are fast asleep.
You won't hear baby birdies cheep.
'Cause everyone's tucked safe in bed.
For a peaceful night of dreams ahead.

So Jasper, my love, hush close your eyes
While Mommy sings your lullaby.

Stars they shimmer just for you;
Like laughing dimples in the sky.
The moon will watch you while you sleep;
A night-light for the world to see.

So Jasper, my love, hush close your eyes
While Mommy sings your lullaby.

Adventure waits so count the sheep.
You'll be a prince on your mighty steed.
Befriend the dragon, save the future Queen.
You'll fall in love and become the King.


Jasper, my love, hush close your eyes
While Mommy sings your lullaby.

A cave of wonders hides in sand.
Genie has a monkey friend.
Magic carpet fly across the sky.
It's you and me, a whole new world tonight.

So Jasper, my love, hush close your eyes
While Mommy sings your lullaby.

We both love you very much.
Feel our warmth through gentle touch.
Close your eyes and drift to sleep.
Hush, be calm, be quiet my sweet.

Jasper, my love, hush close your eyes
While Mommy sings your lullaby.

Nuh-night baby.  I love you.

October

Picture found at DeviantArt by Freddy3D.
He has some awesome prints you can buy. Check him out.

October

A rush of cold wind signals the start,
Of witches and goblins and ghouls in the dark.
Cauldrons steaming with dragon scales,
Bubbling and boiling and brewing a spell.

Magic runs amok and soaks in your skin,
Infecting, enthralling, you let it in.
All through the month,
You can smell Halloween.
Put a charm on your door,
Beware of all hallows eve.

Kisses

Isn't that the the cutest picture ever? When I was in high school I found a tiny little palm sized book. It was full of photos, poems and quotes about kissing. The words are from that book. The images are from searching Bing.
The Kiss: A romantic treasury of photographs and quotes

That inevitable first kiss-the sweetest stolen kiss-a kiss of farewell: each a moment that we long to preserve, a single spark or a promise that, even in memory, heats the blood and fires the imagination.The heart can discern so many kinds of kisses: from the pivotal first peck to the hungry warm urgency that punctuates a tryst. A kiss is a singular bond, a crystallized moment that embodies the relationship of the kisser to the kissed. In a world where words are easily misconstrued, kisses are eloquent.
Soft and reassuring as butterscotch, a kiss nourishes and warms the soul. It is a confection that never grows tiresome. And lives in memory.Talking about kissing is like humming about fire. Words are insufficient to describe the experience. Still we try, because kissing is an experience that must be shared.

This last pic is one hot kiss and also a great book!

Love

This made me smile.

Make Love

Take a bunch of longing looks
now blanche in
honeyed time.

Blend with a
little laughter
and a cup of
moonlit wine.

Add a pinch
of mystery
with a tender
loving touch.

Crumble in
some kisses
and a tablespoon
of lust.

Gently simmer
it in music,
slowly stir with
a loving dance.

Whisk in a
million heartbeats
and serve up a
sweet romance.

- Paul Kavanagh -

I found the poem here and the picture here.

Yoda

A warning: I'm feeling a tad goofy today.

Likened to Yoda a poem can be.
For words we twist make a vision unseen.
Tangled and stretched, the words, they are.
You understand the concept but getting there? Bizarre.

Bwahaha! this popped into my head while I was trying to come up with a poem today. I hope it cracks you up like it did me. Shall we break it down? I think we shall!

Likened to Yoda a poem can be. - A poem can be very similar to the way quirky Yoda talks.

For words we twist make a vision unseen. - Poetry should create a picture. Good, bad or ugly; a picture all the same. It should emote feelings in the reader. A person could consider poetry to be just as inspiring as art hanging on the wall. For the two should evoke similar emotions when absorbed by whomever happens by. To get to the point; poetry creates images in your head. The one on your shoulders. (Or the one down yonder if it's a naughty poem. I may share one of those if I'm feeling frisky.)

Tangled and stretched, the words, they are. - Instead of using the easiest words to get the point across, inspire! Use words that people will feel. Instead of "good" perhaps "radiant" or "delicious". For "bad" what about "dirty" *wink wink* or "malicious". Also, you can mix words around so the cadence of the poem is smooth.

You understand the concept but getting there? Bizarre. - This is the best line EVER! Haha! I'm just teasing you. I like poems where you may not understand everything the writer has penned but you get the just of it. Then upon further inspection, like maybe they will break down the poem for you? You can see into their thought process and understand why they chose to write things the way they did.

If Yoda and Gollum Smeagol got busy and had a baby I bet it would look a lot like cute Dobby. What do you think?

Jasper's Lullaby

I love you Jasper. I wrote this lullaby for you while you were still in my tummy. Every time I sang it to you, you would kick like crazy. After you were born, whenever you heard it you would calm right down and go to sleep.

When they brought you into the room and I was able to hold you for the first time, I sang this lullaby. You looked up at me, right into my eyes. It was so amazingly sweet. A moment I will never forget and always cherish. We looked at each other for quite a while. Then you drifted off to sleep.

Jasper's Lullaby
Jasper, my sweet, hush close your eyes While Mommy sings your lullaby.

Baby mice are fast asleep.
You won't hear baby birdies cheep.
Everyone's tucked safe in bed.
For a peaceful night of dreams ahead.

So Jasper, my love, hush close your eyes
While Mommy sings your lullaby.

Stars they shimmer just for you;
Like laughing dimples in the sky.
The moon will watch you while you sleep;
A night-light for the world to see.

So Jasper, my sweet, hush close your eyes
While Mommy sings your lullaby.

We both love you very much.
Feel our warmth through gentle touch.
Close your eyes and drift to sleep.
Hush, be calm, be quiet my sweet.

Jasper, my love, hush close your eyes
While Mommy sings your lullaby.
-

Love you baby

September

A teacher read this poem to my class when I was younger and I loved it. It seemed a fitting time to post it also.

September
The breezes taste
of apple peel.
The air is full
of smells to feel-

Ripe fruit, old footballs,
burning brush,
new books, erasers,
chalk and such.

The bee, his hive
well-honeyed hum,
and mother cuts
chrysanthemums.

Like plates washed clean
with suds, the days
are polished with
a morning haze.

-John Updike

Of course I would like it better if it were more autumn colored in nature but oh well. "The breezes taste of apple peel." Perfect description. Let's see, copying his format and his poem slightly let's pen one for October shall we? Stay tuned for the "October" post!

Vision of Me

Ghostly Solitude

Originally uploaded by Captain Shadow

The person in the mirror
Is my vision of me
Though I am not her at all.

She helps me through
When I need a friend
To the other side of the world
Through my wall.
-

I wrote this in high school. Brace yourself; It sounds crazy. I used to talk to myself while looking in the mirror. I liked to hear the sound of my voice and it was a helpful way for me to work out my problems.

In the first section I'm looking in the mirror. But the person in the reflection is a stronger, better version of me. Remember back in this post the three different me's? Well the reflection was "I". "I" would help "Me" work out my (or our) problems. Confused? :) We work in mysterious ways! Haha!

Before I continue I should note that I no longer talk to myself or any version thereof in this manner. I am and always was completely sane. I just found...shall we say entertaining ways to amuse myself and work out problems at the same time.

The second section "she helps me through" means two things. Helping me work through troubles and also helping me travel through the mirror to the other side where life was better. What is that saying? The grass is always greener on the other side? I'd imagine that in her world things were exactly how I wanted them. It was my way of daydreaming.

When I told Justin about this poem and it's history he looked at me like I was nucking futs. I suppose I can see why. :) Good thing he loves me so much.

Mommy Magic

With a kiss from Mommy

Booboos are better.

A hug makes me warm inside.

She holds my hand

And I'm invincible.

She says I'm her source of pride.

Mommy chases away the monsters

And keeps me safe and sound.

We do fun things together

Mommy's love is all around.

Part III

After Justin and I found each other the world changed. It's been a slow process but for once I am blissfully happy. I still have off days, well actually they are fleeting moments now. And I'm sure I have sertraline to thank bunches for that. But even before I started taking the depression pills my outlook on life perked up. Justin has been my shoulder to cry on more times than I can count. When we first got together he would joke that he was working on getting the fuck-off sign off my forehead. :) He understood me better than I knew myself sometimes. He did what no one else could, had they tried. Justin broke down my walls and found ME. The real me. I thank him every day, sometimes more than once. He saved me. He really is my hero. After a night of cuddling, as I was drifting to sleep in the special spot on his shoulder that was chiseled out just for me, a poem smacked me in the head. It was just there *poof* all at once. Whole and complete and perfect.
-

Justin
You are the man
Guided by fate
A love matched by none
With you lies my faith.

Destiny revealed
This spell is done
Spirits and forces
Thank you for love.

-
I will never take Justin for granted. We've been together for almost 3 years now and have never once fought. When something is bugging us we simply talk about it and then we're done. He helps me when I'm having rough times. I help him. He's so much stronger than me; it's hard to know when he needs help. Our relationship truly is perfect. We are soulmates. Justin is my best friend, my playmate, my partner in crime, my silly companion, my love, my reason for being happy, my soulmate, my everything.

Words have yet to be found to tell you how much this man means to me. I'm still searching. For now this will have to suffice. I love you, Justin. You rock my socks. ;)

Part II

I believe in the power of peoples faith. I think that all Gods and Goddesses are real and live simply because they are believed in. Chants, spells, chapters, verses, etc. are all different ways that people use words to focus their thoughts and prayers. I write my own because it is what works best for me. When I was lonely and at my worst I wrote a poem or spell as I call it. Because what is a spell, but a poem you chant and pour your faith into? I wrote a spell to find my soulmate.
-

Spirits near
Spirits far
Spirits of love
Spirits for the heart

Hear this cry
Hear my plea
Guide me to the man
Destined for me

-
I would say this every night while laying in bed wishing for love. I would chant it over and over. I would cry and plead for the Gods to hear me. I would say it when I was happy, when I was bored, when I was hurt. It was the spell that I put everything I had into. And it was the spell that changed my life.

One day I got a message from some guy on Myspace. It was just a small thing saying hi and that he noticed me. I checked out his profile and he was cute. He seemed pretty down to Earth, normal and we liked many similar things. Usually I just delete these people and think nothing of it ever again. But as I was looking at his pictures my spell went through my head and got stuck there. I KNEW if I wanted things to change I had to give him a shot. That I NEEDED to talk to this man. So I wrote him back. What do you know, he turned out to be the love I'd dreamed about. He is my everything, my faith, and I prayed for him.

Because of the spell I wrote and poured my faith into, I found my soulmate. I choose to believe that all gods exist and magic is real.

Part I

This is part I of my III part story finding love. I wrote this before I met Justin. Right after I fled from California. I was depressed, alone, lost and hurt.
-

It's hard to dream
Of a love unchained
When all you see
Is hope afraid.

Scorned and spurned
I stand alone.
Trusting no one
A forgotten rogue.

-
Let's break it down shall we?

It's hard to dream of a love unchained-It was almost impossible to believe in love. I hadn't seen a good working relationship. I was doubtful true love existed. Any kind of loving relationship seemed impossible between family or friends.

When all you see is hope afraid-My parents relationship. It was volatile and often abusive both ways. Sometimes it spilled over to include me and my sisters. When I lived in California, there was so much anger in the relationships there. Could anyone be truly happy? As soon as things looked brighter, as soon as people became happy, rage would bring out the storms.

Scorned and spurned-People hurt me. Hurt me in aweful ways that I'm still, to this day, trying to get over. My Dad told me,"You're to much of a bitch for anyone to ever love." Ouch. A guy once did some bad things(later if I'm brave enough I'll explain.) I'm lucky enough to have found an amazing man who has helped me to mostly get over these fears.

I stand alone-Pretty easy interpretation. I was all alone. I had no one to talk to. No one to help me break free. I was drowning in my sadness.

Trusting no one-Again easy to get what I was meaning here. I trusted NO ONE but myself. People will fail you. Always.

A forgotten rogue-Forgotten because I was left behind. It seemed like no one cared enough about me to at least get me help. No one even knew I was so hurt and broken inside. Rogue because after being so stupid to let myself get hurt, I went rogue. Pissed, furious, vengeful, hateful and never trusting anyone. I was on the outside, I put myself there and that's the way I wanted to keep it.

Panic

A statue of panic in a vortex of smiling faces
Melting, contorting, twisting into my juggernaut of fears.

A crushing corset tightened by hidden evils
I long for razor claws to rip the straight-jacket melded to my chest.

I tremble like a waters surface when the earth quakes
Raging quiet screams in my ears drowning all thought

Reality fuzzes away and teases relief in the distance

I need my faith
Take me away
Run with me
Save me

-

I always loved this line: My panic grows manic until I can't stand it. I had an anxiety attack at The Perkins family reunion. Too many people, too close, too much. I think I may need to up my crazy pills.