Baby P

Those who know me well already know the sad part of this story. In March 2009 I was pregnant. I didn't stay pregnant. It was and still is the hardest thing I've dealt with. 

Every March since then I've done things I wouldn't normally do. Whether I'm looking for some twisted form of comfort or acceptance, who the hell knows. It's how I deal apparently. This year was no different. 

I know people say you shouldn't but I blame myself for the loss. I should have gone a little easier. I shouldn't have stressed so much. I should have prepared better. It was my fault and every March I remember. Every March hurts. Every March I do stupid things. I don't know if it's an odd form of grieving or healing or just me being nutso but I do it. Every March. 

I saw this thing that's been going around about a mother who turned her sons grave into a sandbox so his brother could play with him. Maybe you've seen it? If you look closely and read the headstone there is a sweet poem written there. I loved it so much. This year I used it to write my own words to our baby that we never got to see. 

To my tiny Baby P:

You are my angel, my darling, my star,

And my love will find you,

Wherever you are. 

Although you were in our lives for mere moments, we both love you so very much and think about you often. Watch over your younger brother and sister for us, my precious angel. 

Love,

Mommy

It's not much but it makes me cry every time. In my head I always add, "I'm sorry I failed you and couldn't keep you safe."

March sucks. 

365 Selfie Challenge

Welcome back to my creepy, dirty, kinky, naughty, out there blog!  I've missed these blog therapy sessions and guess what? I found the app for that. Haha!

My sister Samantha and I are doing the 365 Selfie Challenge. The rules are pretty simple. Take a selfie every day for a year and post it. The why of it is our juicy story.  Sammy and I are stay-at-home mommies. There have been many more days than we would like to claim where we stayed in our pjs and looked like crap. It doesn't make a woman feel very sexy about herself. This is where the challenge comes in. It's a way for us to hold ourselves accountable. Every day we will get all dolled up and snap a pic. Even if we don't leave the house, the world will see us. 

Although we both actually started a few days ago, this will be our first official day.  

March 11, 2014 get ready for our close-ups!

I will try to link everything but who knows how it'll work on my phone. 

Follow us:

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Tayia on Twitter

Super Mom

Between learning my new place as a Mom of two, keeping my relationship happy with my Husband, helping out with the cheerleaders, and my ever losing battle of dirty house vs. Super Mom I've put the internet and specifically my blog on the back burner.  I have a bazillion (totally a word) ideas for posts and absolutely no time to type them up. 

As I'm sitting at the computer right now Ava is starting to wake up wanting fed, which takes around 25 minutes of me just sitting there being unproductive.  The stove timer is going off because lunch is done but I have to wait for it to cool before I give it to Jasper.  It should be cooled enough for him right in the middle of Ava's feeding.  Jasper is asking me for more milk and telling me he would like to watch another show.  I have exactly 45 minutes before my Mom will be here to drive us all up to the store to buy some groceries because we have practically nothing in our cupboards, fridge or freezer.  I'd like to not look like a crazy disheveled hobo but I think make-up is out of the question.  On the other hand I rarely get out of the house and speak to other adults so I'd really like to make this quick trip to the grocery store an event.

And just in case you were thinking that all this should be a piece of cake, Jasper, Avabella and I all have a wicked cold.  Poor little Bella-Boo can't even nurse well because her nose is so stuffy.  Little Man is finally feeling a tad better but he still cries for no reason just because he's achy.  Let's hope Justin doesn't catch it too.  Last thing I need is the dreaded man-cold making an appearance.

I have not abandoned my blog.  I'm busting at the seams with posts that need written.  I simply am putting my family first and have very little time to spare.  When I figure it all out, you will be the first to know.

If you feel like everything I just posted was spewed out as quickly as possible in one giant breath you're pretty much right on target.  I'll count it a success if you can actually understand what I said.  I'm sure correct grammar and punctuation are completely out of the question today.

Good luck!

Medicine Cups

Jasper learned a new achievement today!  He can officially drink medicine out of a medicine cup.  We've always given it to him dropper by dropper and never really let him try it on his own.  For those who don't know, kids medicine is a messy, sticky disaster.

Today at Wal-mart I bought him some stuff for his bad chest cold.  It was the regular ol' cold that's been going around but it moved down into his chest two days ago and it's bad.  If his cough doesn't improve by Monday we're taking him to the doctor.

Anyways, we got out to the car and I wanted to get the medicine in him ASAP.  Trouble was, unless it's infant stuff they don't include a dropper.  So we gave it a shot.  It wasn't working at first.  He would get some on his tongue and then want to swallow.  About four times of doing that and he hadn't even made a dent.  I poured some in his mouth, he swallowed it and didn't spit any out.  Success!

I gave him a fever reducer just a half hour ago.  It was a piece of cake.  No mess at all and it only took him three sips!

Every day Jasper surprises me with his advances.  He's so smart and loving.  You should see him and his cousin, Kaidynce, play.  They share, hug, give kisses, play peek-a-boo, play tag.  It's adorable and oh so sweet.  We're raising some great kids.

I'm F-ing losing it.

Keep in mind this must happen or I will become so overly dramatic the world will undoubtedly end.  So within the next 11 days we plan on

#1  Completely cleaning the downstairs apartment.  Dirty yucky druggy people used to live down there.  This includes: 
removing all garbage - holy cow is there a lot of garbage.
vacuuming the floors - probably multiple times
shampooing the carpets - I'm interested to see the final color.
scrubbing the walls/baseboards/all surfaces - *whole body shudder*
patching holes
painting
clearing out the basement attachment of crap
pouring concrete slab
building and hanging back door

#2  Moving all of Debbie's things downstairs into newly cleaned and prettified home.  This includes:
running phone and cable lines
boxing up and moving all dishes, food, bedroom and bathroom items, dressers, etc.
setting up her computer, tv, etc.

#3  Rearranging our new home.  This includes:
moving me and Justin into Debbie's old room - bed, dressers
rearranging the kids' room - take bed out, put bed in, move bed around, shake a hokey pokey or something.
bring everything for Bailee out of storage and set it up in kids' room
put clothes into dressers and hanging in closets
move bookshelves and hutch to new locations in the house - not an easy task.
clear out back room so everything is accessible
buy dishes, silverware, etc. that we need.
put everything in it's proper place in the kitchen - includes dishes, silverware, food, etc.

#4  Because we think we're super human we're going to throw in paint entire upstairs.

#5  June 2nd @5pm - Attend Stephanie's bachelorette party.  This puts a hold on house-to-home production.
#6  Get together with Samantha and take maternity photo's
#7  Afternoon of June 5th - Go to doctor's pre-op visit, take hospital tour, meet with anesthesiologist to ready for surgery and Bailee.
#8  June 10th - Attend Kallee's baby shower.  Yay for babies!!!!

#9  June 11th - Go to hospital and have a newborn.  Bring her home to a home and not just a place where our crap is.

And that about sums up my list of "how to stress yourself out to the point of breaking".  A HUMONGOUS thank you to my Mom and sister, Samantha.  They have been coming over to help clean the downstairs and thank you, thank you, thank you.  11 days people.  This all must happen in 11 days ...or else.

Anyone want to come over and help?  I don't have much but I'll make you a cake or brownies or something.

Scared

Even while we were still thinking about getting pregnant I was getting nervous.  As the due date is getting closer, I'm starting to freak out more and more.  I am terrified of having a repeat csection experience.  Terrified!  If it goes badly again, this will probably be our last baby and I really don't want that.  I'm hoping for four kids.  A person can only take so much trauma.  It really messed with me and made many things... uncomfortable to deal with.  I still replay it over and over in my head and recall all the awful little details.  "Women forget the pain of childbirth"  bull-fucking-shit!  I call a B.S. on whoever made that crap up.  I can tell you every terrible part in painful, gory detail while I'm crying my eyes out and lash out at anyone who so much as attempts to touch me how much lying horse crap is in that saying.  Perhaps fools forget.  I will never.

source

Please for the love of whomever, don't let me feel anything.  Please, oh please, let the drugs work.  Please.  Please let this happen without traumatizing me too badly.

Pretty please?

Growing Up

Jasper is growing up so fast. The list of things he says and does is too long to even attempt to keep track of anymore. I love watching him process things and then seeing the light bulb click on.The first one is him playing outside with a bucket helmet. He loves the bucket helmet. The next pics are naked time after a bath. He ran and crawled in there on his own (like everything else). He thought it was hilarious to get into Dobby's kennel and shut the door. I had to get a pic of him being a goof.

So yesterday he was having some naked time which always starts off by him running through the house, arms raised high yelling, "I feeeee!" (I'm free). Then he went in his room to watch Mickey Mouse. Out he comes just a few minutes later, "Uh-oh"
"What 'uh-oh'?" I say back, "Did you go pee or poop in your room?" To which he quickly replies, "Okay". Then goes back in for more Mickey. Once I got in the room I couldn't see any obvious place where he'd gone "uh-oh" so I asked him, "Where did you go potty?"
"I dun know. Whey?"
"Well, I don't know. You're the one who went potty, not me. Where did you go pee or poop?" Big pause... nothing happening. "Show me, please."
Big sigh, "Ah rieeeet." (all right) He started to get off the bed, I'm hoping to show me, when I step in pee.
"Eeew! Found it."
Small snickers and giggles, "yeah."
"Thanks, dude." My sarcasm is lost on him...I think.
"Yeah." Then starts dancing to Mickey.

source

Oh silly Jasper.

Justin always kisses Me and Jasper and says I love you before he leaves for work. Jasper told him that he loved him too last night. That's a first. He'll say, "high fife" (high five) if he's done something good. I blow raspberries on him all the time. He learned how to do it back about two days ago. I hate getting it done to me 'cause it tickles so dang bad. But that's what good Mommies do. They get sticky raspberries blown on them. Thank you, oranges, for the sticky. Jasper peeled an orange all by himself. One of those "Cuties are made for kids" oranges. He was feeding me tiny little chunks of it with the biggest smile on his face, "I did! I did! Mom-mom-mom-y, I did!" The mess didn't even matter. He did it. All on his own.

I look forward to each day just to see what he'll do next.

Rocking out with my new headphones on. Gah, the cuteness! Gah, the horrible quality!

Avabella

Our little girl is going to be a diva with a 'tude. It's pretty inevitable I think. When I think of her all I see is pretty frills, unicorns and princesses. But I'm pretty sure the reality will be hissy fits, muddy tutus, and tormenting the dog with her big brother. When I see her future, I see

Precious handmade outfits by Mommy

With ridiculously big hair bows or flowers

Cute little tushies hidden by tutus

and glitter dances.

While I'm positive she will wear all of the handmade or store bought adorableness I've mentioned. I'm also pretty positive she will love the mud and outdoors just like her brother. She will hunt for bugs and play in whatever yuck she can find. She will ride on the four-wheeler and be a little rebel hellion with a dare-devil streak that will give me a heart attack. Our muddy little princess.

Add a bow and tutu... Pretty much sums it up.

*Most of these pics can be found on my Pinterest board Kid Clothes. Follow me there for more awesomeness. Click on the pic to be taken to its respective pin. Then you can go to their website. Like what I did there? Making you go to my pin board if you want more info? Yeah, I can be evil.

Sad But Cute

Our little slice of the world has had a quite the storm over the last few days and it looks like it'll continue for at least a few more. Schools are closing, trees are down, power's out and roads are iffy. I truly love Oregon weather. :)

The storm hit late Tuesday and our little man slept right though it. Me and Justin slept like poop, but Jasper? He didn't wake up until 10am. By then the storm was in full swing. Not long after he woke up, one of those huge gusts hit the house. It was more loud than anything else but it did a good job of scaring my poor little babycakes.

This is how the saddest (and cutest) scene played out.

I hear loud wimper/screaming. Jasper runs up to me with a huge sad frown and his eyebrows up in his hair. His arms are raised high above his head and his little feet just can't carry him fast enough to me. Right before he gets in front of me he leaps off the ground and into my arms.

Jasper: Up! Up! Ma, Up!!
(insert leap here)
Mommy: Ohhh Honey. It's okay, baby. The storm won't hurt you. Everything's going to be all right, Sweetheart. (trying not to giggle a little at his cute facial expression)
Jasper: (Eyebrows drawn together. Grim/determined set on his mouth. Finger pointing and shaking at me.) Don't lie me!

End the most adorable little boy scene ever.

I must say I did not handle the situation well. My mouth dropped open and I had a stupid surprised look on my face. And maybe I kinda started laughing. He gave me a mean look and then started hugging me tightly, which I returned, of course.

Did my sweet little boy just lecture me about not lying to him? Yes, I'm positive he did.

Sigh, it makes me realize how big my "little" man really is.

Move it

I felt the baby move the other day. I'll be 17 weeks tomorrow. I was having a particularly crabby day. Nothing seemed to be going right and I was getting pretty upset. It was just one of those days. Then I felt baby peanut do a triple rotating backflip (or something close to that). It was the best pick me up I could have hoped for. I was grinning like a fool the rest of the day and everything was perfect. I love being a Mommy. We should get to find out the sex soon. Yay for ultrasounds!

I can't get enough of this picture. Jasper was trying to walk with Justin's shoes on but he needed some help. Those suckers are heavy. He thought it was great fun when Daddy came to save the day.

Super Problems

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D-Bag

Warning: Foul language ahead.

The other day we were laying in bed talking about the future and I told Justin I didn't want to get too happy. I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. It dropped.

It's okay, baby. Mommy and Daddy will find an even better house to call home.

We received a letter from our landlord saying we have 30 days to get out. I'm fucking pissed off! This house that has finally started to feel like a home is no longer ours to live in. I was looking forward to living here the next five to six years until we bought our "forever home". I was looking forward to walking on our private beach every day with Jasper. That's not an option anymore.

I know, dude. Mommy feels the same way.

I feel like we were taken advantage of. It is our belief that the landlord knew this would be coming. He insisted on twice monthly inspections with pictures to make sure we weren't ruining anything. There were a few other odd occurrences. We think he had at least a hint of an idea that our tenancy would not last longer than one year. What a jerk.

I feel so stupid. Like we should have known or been more cautious with him. But noooooo. We jumped in, trusted the douche bag, got a big dog and now we are fucking screwed.

So now we are house hunting again. Looking for a rental that will work for us. Wish us luck. We could use some.

Army National Guard

For some time now Justin has been interested in different forms of the military. After much consideration on both our parts, he has decided to join the Oregon Army National Guard. I am nervous, excited, scared, happy, proud, worried, etc. A whole slew of emotions. He'll leave for basic training sometime early next year. I'll be a single mom during that time. Yikes! He'll be gone for about seven-eight months. Double yikes! We're trying to get pregnant so I may have a baby while he's away. Triple yikes! Okay this is getting scary now.

I'm not looking forward to this being us.

We've decided that this is what's best for our family. Not only do I get to be a stay-at-home Mom which I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am about that!! The biggest seller for me is that we will qualify for a VA home loan. It'll give us many of the things that we've been wanting. This would all be completely out of the question and a home loan is not a good enough reason to do it except that Justin really wants to join and as hard as it is, I support him.

I'm just trying to look at all of the positives.

If I think about the negatives I get really upset and that doesn't help anyone. Another plus? Those uniforms are sexy as hell. Ohhhhh yeah!! So here's to thinking happy thoughts!

Grandma

The side note from Jasper's 1st Birthday party:

Aunty Stephanie bought the three Wuzzles books in a garage sale that sold most of my Grandmas things. :( That was the most depressing garage sale I've ever been to in my life. All of the things I loved and remembered growing up. Christmas decorations, everyday what-nots, childhood books, dishes, dolls, ceramics...the list goes on and on. All of it was out in her giant paved parking area with price tags. We ended up getting a bear that's making Xmas toys and a huge train set. Every Christmas it would circle the tree. Every Christmas. It was awful to see strangers looking at these memories and buying them up. Like I said, Depressing with a capital "D". It wasn't even Grandma's parking area anymore. Nope, she no longer lives there. It was a horrible day.

Justin saw me looking at the train set, picked it up and said, "I'm getting this." We were in a hard spot for money but he didn't even let me question it. Just picked it up and said it was done; this is ours now.

Jasper will grow up with memories of it circling our Christmas tree just like I did. All the kids in our family whether it's Jasper's brothers, sisters or cousins will grow up with it during Christmas time just like we did. The cute bear will always go up with the season and be a reminder of great family traditions and times.

Even if a parking area full of memories was thoughtlessly overlooked and deemed unimportant to some. I'm glad to be able to carry on the tradition and make it so much more with my family.

I love you Justin.

Jasper's 1st Birthday

About two months overdue but oh well. Jasper's birthday party was a success! It was Spongebob themed. You can see the kick butt cake in the upper corner of the table.Family and friends showed up and the house was packed. Talk about stressful for Mommy.A list of some of the people and gifts:
Mommy and Daddy- a four wheeler and a Cars helmet.
Grandma Gina and Grandpa Steve- a swingset that he LOVES and can not stay off of.
Grandpa Pete and Grandma Valerie- a ginormous puffy red blow up ball that he can climb in.Grandma Debbie- a Spongebob kite.
Aunty Sam, Uncle Wade and Cousin Kaidynce- a toy that looks like a garage and the cars go down a spiral. They got you something else too but I don't remember. I'm sure you love it Jasper!
Aunty Stephanie- My favorite gift was from Steph. She gave him three Wuzzles books that I grew up with.* WUZZLES!!!


I love those books and characters.

Steph also made his birthday cake. It was Spongebob! His smash cake was a crabby patty. Oh the cuteness was too much!

He got tons of toys and clothes. I'm sure they'll all remind me what I forgot to mention. The important part is that Jasper is playing with everything that he got for his birthday and wearing all the clothes. YAY!

Jasper's favorite part of the whole shabang? The cards people got him. Fruity child. He had toys galore and he wanted the cards.Look at that poor sad face he made when I tried to take the card away so we could open more presents.

Jasper had a great birthday but I'm very glad they only come once a year.

*See upcoming post about how Steph acquired these childhood memories.

Me Again

I like talking about myself. Hence the freakin' blog people. Things have a way of changing on you. It is because of these changes that I am telling you about me yet again. Most of the info is still the same. Same name, same wonderful husband. Of course we have Jasper now. Can you believe he'll be a year old in less than a month?! Note to self: plan birthday party. We got a puppy a few weeks ago. He is a great pyrenees and we've named him Appa. He's the cutest, sweetest, most mellow fluff ball you will ever meet. We are on the coast now with the beach as our front yard. It's amazing! I never thought I'd love living on the coast but I think I may be willing to trade it for the country. Whoa huh?! That's big stuff. We moved into our new home with my Mother-In-Law, Debbie. This way we all get a cool dreamy house and it's affordable. Complete awesomeness.

I am ridiculously happy. My crazy pills are working like a dream. We have an awesome house that is slowly turning into our home. We still have a bunch of unpacking to do. *sneer* I dislike that part.

Jasper is walking now! He talks quite a bit too. Justin and I are doing fantabulous of course! We're soul mates after all.

Okay, enough about other people. Let's talk about me in my "About Me" update. I'm spoiled by my husband and I like it. I spoil him too. I love walking on the beach and finding sea treasures. I've started to pick up the garbage that is littering our section of paradise. You can read about in Operation Fishy. Teaching Jasper to do our part to help keep the world sparkly.

I have bazillions of craft ideas bubbling inside me. I can't wait for my area in the garage to be cleared up so I can tackle them. I'm looking into a way to make a profit from home. Not an easy task and I'm sure it'll be years before I actually accomplish this. Plus, my job rocks so why quit it?

Let's see...I love our little boy so much I bust out smiling at just the thought of him. We have a new fishtank and getting things for it makes me excited. I'm a kinky person. I love to go to the movies. I can stare into tide pools for hours. Shaving my legs makes me feel pretty. I have a list of tattoos in mind. I'm already saving for Jasper's 5th birthday. We are going to Disneyland. It will be a bonus if my family can join us. Mountain Dew is my drink of choice. When I'm nervous I hum an annoying tune of three notes over and over. I'm addicted to ebay. I like to shop victoriously.

I love Disney! Nickelodian is getting some kick butt shows too now. My faves are Wizards of Waverly Place, iCarly, Victorious, Avatar: The Last Airbender, Spongebob, Fairly Odd Parents, Mighty B, I'm sure I'm missing some but you get the just of it. I like cartoons. Correction: I LOVE cartoons. Jasper is going to grow up with them just like I did. Good thing Justin is a movie buff too. :)
I'm excited for the future and all the fun things we'll get to show Jasper! Possibilities make me goofy happy!!!!

Baby Kaidynce

Baby Kaidynce was born this morning at 7:04am weighing 7lb 11oz and 20inches long. Here are the texts I got throughout the evening from my Mom:

12:49am Going to hosp sams water brk (apparently her water barked.)

3:11am 4 ctmters

4:26am At 10 getting ready to push (WOW that was fast!!!!)

6:22am Emergency c cection she won't fit (Sam was pushing for 2 hours!)

8:01am Baby is here have not seen her yet but I can hear her

8:05am She is born got here at 704 7 11 oz both are doing goodIt almost looks like Kaidynce is smiling in this one. So sweet! I'm an AUNTIE!!! YAY!!! Poor Kaidynce got stuck in the birth canal and has a cone head last time I saw her. But it's shrinking down to normal fast. She looks a lot like Wade. Mouth and nose is Wade's but she has Sam's "butt chin". Lol! Sam said that, not me. Haha! Kaidynce is beautiful. Her face is kinda puffy and swollen but as it goes down she just gets cuter and cuter! She has the longest little fingers and toes! Oh and did I mention a whole bunch of blond curly hair?! That is like Mommy too. I think I saw kind of a reddish tint to it as well. We'll see after the bruising goes away. Poor little sweetheart. She has the most adorable cry! It's just like a little lady. I can't wait to see her in pink frilly clothes with giant flowers and/or bows in her hair.I love this picture! Kaidynce looks so comfy cozy and my Mom is such a proud Grandma! Precious!

Justin and I have been thinking about getting pregnant again. This just reaffirms that. We want another baby! Jasper may have a brother or sister in the next year. :)