The Six I Wish Away

Blog activity-Day five

Six things you wish you'd never done

1. I wish that I never would have gone to Carolyn Groom's New Years Eve party on December 31, 2003. That night torments me still.

2. I wish I would have acted more responsibly while living in California. There are many things I would have done differently. Let's just say it was my "growing up" year. I learned a lot about myself. Most of what I learned are the traits I DON'T want.

3. I wish I wouldn't have been so mean growing up. To everybody. Parents, sisters, friends, acquaintances. I wasn't very pleasant. Most of it, I believe would have been so much better if I would have been put on anti-depressants sooner.

4. I wish I'd never purchased that ugly wedding dress off ebay. Actually the dress would probably have been pretty if they'd sized it correctly. The measurements were no where near what I gave them. Ergh! Frustrations!

5. I wish I'd never let our money issues get so out of control. I know how to handle money but I just went along with some choices I should have thought over more. I made some mistakes I knew better about. Can you say Citibank personal loan? Stupid move award goes to me!

6. I wish I never would have let myself go. I was in decent enough shape; happy about my body and comfortably fit. Then I found Justin and was emotionally happy so I ate more with him and I put on a little weight.

My world slowly started to unravel and within the span of one year I was extremely depressed. It started on July 31, 2008. Justin's Step-dad Mike died of an accidental overdose and I put on more weight.

My Grandpa died in September 2008 and more pounds were added.

My cousin BJ died in a horribly gruesome hit and run on October 5, 2008 (The day of my bridal shower. Not many people came for obvious reasons) so I ate.

I married Justin on October 18, 2008 ...stress (There's a reason weddings turn brides into bridezillas.)

November 2008 It was decided that my Mother-In-Law would move in to our small apartment with us. I cried every day for 30 days. Afterwards it tapered off some.

January 2009 she moved in. It put a strain on all relationships. I will never get to enjoy the newlywed bliss of the "honeymoon phase" and for that my heart will always weep.

On March 3, 2009 I had a miscarriage which destroyed me. I couldn't function. I cried for so long the days ran together. I took so many pills because I no longer wanted to feel. I couldn't remember things. I didn't eat anything for a week. Then I devoured everything because I didn't care anymore. I will never forget our angel baby. I still cry and feel a heaviness in my chest that is my heart breaking when I think of them.

I got pregnant a few months later in late June 2009 and added some 30+ pounds overall during pregnancy. Luckily those all came off and I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight at my 2 week check up (but still extremely overweight). My labor and delivery was traumatic to say the least. I suffered PPD pretty badly along with intense PTSD as a result of feeling my C-section. I ate. Finally I talked to my OB about it at my 6 week follow up visit and was prescribed sertraline. I even cried in the Dr. office while trying to tell her I needed medication. I never EVER show my emotions to people (other than Justin). Crying was my lowest low ever.

So within the span of only one year I had grief and stress piling up higher and higher. Then I got pregnant and have you ever heard of a pregnant lady's hormones?! It was a little much for me to process. Two years of my life in a depressive funk that kept getting worse. I couldn't take it anymore. I was dying.

Finally, after the discovery of anti-depressants, my life (and eating) is at last under control. There is much damage for me to heal. It is going to be a slow and grueling process. Luckily I have the support of my amazing best friend. One of the many reasons Justin is my hero.

Hahahaha! That sure was a long #6 huh? I needed to vent. :) Thanks for listening Mr. Blog.