Vision of Me

Ghostly Solitude

Originally uploaded by Captain Shadow

The person in the mirror
Is my vision of me
Though I am not her at all.

She helps me through
When I need a friend
To the other side of the world
Through my wall.
-

I wrote this in high school. Brace yourself; It sounds crazy. I used to talk to myself while looking in the mirror. I liked to hear the sound of my voice and it was a helpful way for me to work out my problems.

In the first section I'm looking in the mirror. But the person in the reflection is a stronger, better version of me. Remember back in this post the three different me's? Well the reflection was "I". "I" would help "Me" work out my (or our) problems. Confused? :) We work in mysterious ways! Haha!

Before I continue I should note that I no longer talk to myself or any version thereof in this manner. I am and always was completely sane. I just found...shall we say entertaining ways to amuse myself and work out problems at the same time.

The second section "she helps me through" means two things. Helping me work through troubles and also helping me travel through the mirror to the other side where life was better. What is that saying? The grass is always greener on the other side? I'd imagine that in her world things were exactly how I wanted them. It was my way of daydreaming.

When I told Justin about this poem and it's history he looked at me like I was nucking futs. I suppose I can see why. :) Good thing he loves me so much.

Four Yucks

Blog activity-Day seven

Four turn offs

1.  Over-confidence or cockiness-It makes me want to break you down and put you in your place. *raising my pimp hand* hahaha!

2.  Boring-I'm not great at keeping conversations going so you need to be entertaining and get me to talk.

3.  Chewing food with your mouth open-Hate it!  I do not want to see you start digesting your food.  I don't care how big of bite you took.  Close your damn mouth or I'll bitch at you...and probably close it for you.

4.  Being too polite-A little bit of politeness is appreciated, don't get me wrong, but I'm a pervert.  I want a guy who will be naughty with me.  I want to be able to be goofy around them and not have to worry I'm being improper.  I want to wrestle with them, even though someone will probably get hurt.  Farting and burping is funny and they should think so too.

P.S.  Justin, you do none of the above things.  Except maybe #1 a little bit but that's okay because I like to keep you in line.  :)

The Fantastic Five

Blog activity-Day six

Five people who mean a lot (In no order whatsoever)

Well this post is just too easy!!

1. Justin-My hero, my love, my soul-mate, my everything. You may have noticed that I call Justin my faith. The reason is because of him I found I can put faith into things. He is my reason, my faith.

2. Jasper-Our little boy. I would die for him and almost did...3 times (I know I keep rubbing it in that my labor and delivery was hard and you're probably getting sick of reading it. Sorry, it's on my mind a lot though.) My little man is so perfect in every way. He has the best sense of humor. He'll stick his tongue out at you. He'll eat your face and drool all over both of us. He farts and then looks at you and giggles. He'll laugh at himself every time he sneezes. He loves to be tickled. He thinks it's great when you get him; which means gobble on his neck.

He'll get you back and laugh.

He's incredibly handsome and is a little heart-breaker who's only going to get more gorgeous. I could go on and on about how precious and wonderful our baby is.

3. Stephanie-Growing up with her was so much fun. Most of my favorite memories are with Steph. Tricycles speeding down the steep hill. Playing Annie or Cinderella. Playing in our forts. Playing school. Happy childhood memories that I'll never forget. I love that she's so sensitive.

4. Samantha-She's become a best friend. I love hanging out with her all the time. We have soooo much in common it's scary.

5. My Mom-She's incredibly supportive. My Mom is a best friend. She gives so much for us girls. Always working hard to provide for us even though we no longer live with her. She taught us not to take crap from anybody. That we can acheive anything we want. That if we want something to go after it. To be strong-minded and confident. She raised three great, intelligent, smart girls. Our Mommy is awesome.

Honorable mentions go out to my Dad and The best cousin ever, Micah.

The Six I Wish Away

Blog activity-Day five

Six things you wish you'd never done

1. I wish that I never would have gone to Carolyn Groom's New Years Eve party on December 31, 2003. That night torments me still.

2. I wish I would have acted more responsibly while living in California. There are many things I would have done differently. Let's just say it was my "growing up" year. I learned a lot about myself. Most of what I learned are the traits I DON'T want.

3. I wish I wouldn't have been so mean growing up. To everybody. Parents, sisters, friends, acquaintances. I wasn't very pleasant. Most of it, I believe would have been so much better if I would have been put on anti-depressants sooner.

4. I wish I'd never purchased that ugly wedding dress off ebay. Actually the dress would probably have been pretty if they'd sized it correctly. The measurements were no where near what I gave them. Ergh! Frustrations!

5. I wish I'd never let our money issues get so out of control. I know how to handle money but I just went along with some choices I should have thought over more. I made some mistakes I knew better about. Can you say Citibank personal loan? Stupid move award goes to me!

6. I wish I never would have let myself go. I was in decent enough shape; happy about my body and comfortably fit. Then I found Justin and was emotionally happy so I ate more with him and I put on a little weight.

My world slowly started to unravel and within the span of one year I was extremely depressed. It started on July 31, 2008. Justin's Step-dad Mike died of an accidental overdose and I put on more weight.

My Grandpa died in September 2008 and more pounds were added.

My cousin BJ died in a horribly gruesome hit and run on October 5, 2008 (The day of my bridal shower. Not many people came for obvious reasons) so I ate.

I married Justin on October 18, 2008 ...stress (There's a reason weddings turn brides into bridezillas.)

November 2008 It was decided that my Mother-In-Law would move in to our small apartment with us. I cried every day for 30 days. Afterwards it tapered off some.

January 2009 she moved in. It put a strain on all relationships. I will never get to enjoy the newlywed bliss of the "honeymoon phase" and for that my heart will always weep.

On March 3, 2009 I had a miscarriage which destroyed me. I couldn't function. I cried for so long the days ran together. I took so many pills because I no longer wanted to feel. I couldn't remember things. I didn't eat anything for a week. Then I devoured everything because I didn't care anymore. I will never forget our angel baby. I still cry and feel a heaviness in my chest that is my heart breaking when I think of them.

I got pregnant a few months later in late June 2009 and added some 30+ pounds overall during pregnancy. Luckily those all came off and I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight at my 2 week check up (but still extremely overweight). My labor and delivery was traumatic to say the least. I suffered PPD pretty badly along with intense PTSD as a result of feeling my C-section. I ate. Finally I talked to my OB about it at my 6 week follow up visit and was prescribed sertraline. I even cried in the Dr. office while trying to tell her I needed medication. I never EVER show my emotions to people (other than Justin). Crying was my lowest low ever.

So within the span of only one year I had grief and stress piling up higher and higher. Then I got pregnant and have you ever heard of a pregnant lady's hormones?! It was a little much for me to process. Two years of my life in a depressive funk that kept getting worse. I couldn't take it anymore. I was dying.

Finally, after the discovery of anti-depressants, my life (and eating) is at last under control. There is much damage for me to heal. It is going to be a slow and grueling process. Luckily I have the support of my amazing best friend. One of the many reasons Justin is my hero.

Hahahaha! That sure was a long #6 huh? I needed to vent. :) Thanks for listening Mr. Blog.

Seven In My Head

Blog activity-Day four
Seven things that cross my mind a lot

1. I can't wait to take my men to Disneyland! I daydream about his a lot. I am so excited for the day when I can take my family to the big DL! I've been there so many times and grew up loving all things Disney. To be able to share the fun with my family at "The happiest place on earth!" is going to be a time I will cherish always. Until the next year when we go again. and again. and again. :)

2. Sex...In detail.

3. The farm I want to live on some day. Chickens, fixing up the house, hunting for treasures for our place, working on the farm, gardening, etc.

Uploaded by ap0013 on 26 Aug 08, 7.14PM PDT.

4. Cleaning our house. There is always something that could be scrubbed a little more or dusted. I'm always making mental lists of all the chores that need done.

5. Cooking. I like to bake and cook. Putting on one of my cute aprons and making the kitchen smell enticing. Lurves it!

6. Jasper and Justin. If I'm not with them I'm worrying about them. I can't help it and sometimes I even cry because of the scenarios that flash through my head. (I said it before; I need to up my Sertraline.)

7. What kind of project can I start next? Usually it's crafty. I love having some type of artsy thing going on. Painting, drawing, working on Jasper's babybook/scrapbook. I also do puzzles and read many books.

On a side note, my sister Stephanie and I are going to start an Etsy shop!! Eeeeeeek, we are so excited!!!!!! I recently hooked her onto blogging. You should check it out over at Bakery Babe. Look for more posts about our shop coming soon!

Eight to My Heart

Blog activity-Day three

Eight ways to win your heart

1. Make me laugh-I mean really laugh. Not a small chuckle because I'm being polite. A true, can't help yourself, I'm gonna pee my pants, laugh.

2. Give me presents-Petty and shallow but unfortunately true. I like to receive gifts. I love handmade thoughtful ones best. (Note: I hate getting sweets as a present.)

3. Be down to earth-I like people just as drama free as I am. Be upfront and honest. If we have a problem let's come to a compromise and fix it.

4. Do not analyze everything-There is nothing worse than a person that has to investigate every tiny detail into why I do things, why things happen, what motivated a character, blah blah blah. It gets old fast.

5. Flowers-What can I say? I like typical girly stuff. My favorites are peonies. Something about them puts me into a dreamy state.

6. Pick a book for me-I love when Justin comes home from the store and has picked out a book to surprise me with. It's such a truly thoughtful treat. Especially when I love the book!

7. Take me camping-Outside, away from people, next to a water source for playing. Heaven.

8. Love me-No better way to my heart than to love me and let me know it.

My Nine

Blog activity-Day two

Nine things about yourself

1. I believe in magic. I choose to believe it exists. Whether it is the magic of everyday things like new life and flowers following the sun or witches and wizards and cauldrons that bubble. It is real. It is real because I believe it is. That's how it works in my world.

2. I'm a wee mad. I used to think of myself as three different aspects of myself. There was "Tayia", this is the person who everyone thought Tayia should be. I often played up that character. There was "I" which is who I wanted myself to be. And then there was "Me" which was who I truly was. I wrote a poem about this. I'll share that in my next post. It is quite interesting and perhaps a tad crazy.

3. I LOVE to chop wood! Absolutely love it. Swinging the axe is so much fun. I love how it takes your entire body to get a good chop. I love being outside. I love the smell. I love the sound. I love finding stray bugs still living on the rounds. I love finding the little cracks to follow in the center. But you know what I love most? The violence!!!!! Muah ha ha!! (After reading my #2 item you're probably a little scared now aren't you?(Lol, #2...poop)) Seriously though, I will come and chop your wood for free. It's the best thing in the world.

4. I like to be in charge. In middle school I was the organizer and director of a school play. In high school I was the senior class vice president, cheerleading captain, editor/business manager of the yearbook and Toledo Summer Festival senior princess (I did that one for the parades :D). After high school I became the cheerleading coach for a few years. Now I just run our house. ( :) Love you Snuggs!)

5. Milk is awesome. I could drink it all the time. All day. My favorite is fat free milk. Yummy! If that was the only thing I could ever drink again, I would be a happy cow.

6. Fleas, ticks and all kinds of flies disgust me. I hate, hate, hate them!! They are vile little buggers. It's not a silly little girly feeling like, "Eeeeew *squeal* bugs!". It's more like, "Kill the nasty creatures!!!!!!" And then I use my ninja skills and attack. They are so unsanitary. Blagh!

7. I've fractured my right ulna. Me and my sister Stephanie were swinging on a tire swing at my Grandma's house. I told Steph, "Push me when I say 'ok'. Ok?" My bad. She pushed. I was able to hold on until the highest part on the swing when you have that pause before you come back down. That's when I fell. I was falling head first and put out my arms to stop me. A stick also stabbed a huge hole in between my bottom lip and my gums. Try pulling your bottom lip down right now. You feel that connecting tissue between your lip and gums? The stick poked right through that and made a pocket into my chin. No more connecting tissue for me. I also have a nice scar in my mouth.

8. I went to Vegas for graduation. For my senior graduation present my Aunt Marty and Uncle Mike (Micah's parents) took me on a road trip to Vegas with their family. It was sooooooo much fun. There are many fond memories of that trip. It was the best present!

9. My family means everything to me. I will do anything for them. My husband and son are my world. Without them I would be lost. My sisters are my best friends. So is my cousin, Micah. A person would be a fool to attempt to cross any member of my family. We're like Africanized bees people. Africanized. Bees.