Part II

I believe in the power of peoples faith. I think that all Gods and Goddesses are real and live simply because they are believed in. Chants, spells, chapters, verses, etc. are all different ways that people use words to focus their thoughts and prayers. I write my own because it is what works best for me. When I was lonely and at my worst I wrote a poem or spell as I call it. Because what is a spell, but a poem you chant and pour your faith into? I wrote a spell to find my soulmate.
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Spirits near
Spirits far
Spirits of love
Spirits for the heart

Hear this cry
Hear my plea
Guide me to the man
Destined for me

-
I would say this every night while laying in bed wishing for love. I would chant it over and over. I would cry and plead for the Gods to hear me. I would say it when I was happy, when I was bored, when I was hurt. It was the spell that I put everything I had into. And it was the spell that changed my life.

One day I got a message from some guy on Myspace. It was just a small thing saying hi and that he noticed me. I checked out his profile and he was cute. He seemed pretty down to Earth, normal and we liked many similar things. Usually I just delete these people and think nothing of it ever again. But as I was looking at his pictures my spell went through my head and got stuck there. I KNEW if I wanted things to change I had to give him a shot. That I NEEDED to talk to this man. So I wrote him back. What do you know, he turned out to be the love I'd dreamed about. He is my everything, my faith, and I prayed for him.

Because of the spell I wrote and poured my faith into, I found my soulmate. I choose to believe that all gods exist and magic is real.

Part I

This is part I of my III part story finding love. I wrote this before I met Justin. Right after I fled from California. I was depressed, alone, lost and hurt.
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It's hard to dream
Of a love unchained
When all you see
Is hope afraid.

Scorned and spurned
I stand alone.
Trusting no one
A forgotten rogue.

-
Let's break it down shall we?

It's hard to dream of a love unchained-It was almost impossible to believe in love. I hadn't seen a good working relationship. I was doubtful true love existed. Any kind of loving relationship seemed impossible between family or friends.

When all you see is hope afraid-My parents relationship. It was volatile and often abusive both ways. Sometimes it spilled over to include me and my sisters. When I lived in California, there was so much anger in the relationships there. Could anyone be truly happy? As soon as things looked brighter, as soon as people became happy, rage would bring out the storms.

Scorned and spurned-People hurt me. Hurt me in aweful ways that I'm still, to this day, trying to get over. My Dad told me,"You're to much of a bitch for anyone to ever love." Ouch. A guy once did some bad things(later if I'm brave enough I'll explain.) I'm lucky enough to have found an amazing man who has helped me to mostly get over these fears.

I stand alone-Pretty easy interpretation. I was all alone. I had no one to talk to. No one to help me break free. I was drowning in my sadness.

Trusting no one-Again easy to get what I was meaning here. I trusted NO ONE but myself. People will fail you. Always.

A forgotten rogue-Forgotten because I was left behind. It seemed like no one cared enough about me to at least get me help. No one even knew I was so hurt and broken inside. Rogue because after being so stupid to let myself get hurt, I went rogue. Pissed, furious, vengeful, hateful and never trusting anyone. I was on the outside, I put myself there and that's the way I wanted to keep it.

Panic

A statue of panic in a vortex of smiling faces
Melting, contorting, twisting into my juggernaut of fears.

A crushing corset tightened by hidden evils
I long for razor claws to rip the straight-jacket melded to my chest.

I tremble like a waters surface when the earth quakes
Raging quiet screams in my ears drowning all thought

Reality fuzzes away and teases relief in the distance

I need my faith
Take me away
Run with me
Save me

-

I always loved this line: My panic grows manic until I can't stand it. I had an anxiety attack at The Perkins family reunion. Too many people, too close, too much. I think I may need to up my crazy pills.

Complicated

Complicated is a fun word to say. Try it out. Complicated, it has clicking sounds when I say it. Oh the simple pleasures. I'm complicated. That's what I was getting to. Let me explain.

I love Rob Zombie, Katy Perry, Nickelback, Metallica and Taylor Swift.
I hate to cry but I love to cry so Justin holds me close ;) sneaky huh?
I love to dress up but often don't.
I love shopping but feel so guilty about it I buy things I don't really want instead of the things I do.
I love all aspects of water but am sometimes afraid of it.
I can not stand emotional people, even though I can be passionate about things.
I dislike being the center of attention but I love to lead and teach.
I hate crowds but I love cheerleading.
I can go from crazy happy and giddy to fucking pissed over something stupid.
Even though I realize my logic is irrational, it doesn't change the way I feel.
When I say "whatever" or "It doesn't matter" it usually matters very much and I'm livid.
I expect people to understand others with little vocabulary because I can.
I love to sing but embarrass myself, even if I'm alone.
I love to edit writing.
I love to break punctuation rules.
I love having a blog.
I love writing on my blog but I rarely do.
I feel like if you don't want to give everything then why try.
I love with all my heart if you are lucky enough to get noticed.
I don't trust people.
I don't forgive and I rarely forget.
I'm trying very hard to live a happy life.
I'm trying very hard to let things go.
The reason I don't like to hear about sad things or watch upsetting movies is because they break my heart.
I don't sympathize with people.
I don't comfort people.
I absolutely love books but I dislike book clubs.
I like helping people find a book they'd like, only if they have similar taste to mine.
I understand and like to notice when I read, things like character building, foreshadowing, descriptions, contradictory aspects, climaxes, where the author got the inspiration for ideas and what made them describe the information that way.
I hate discussing books.
I love country life and want to live on a farm.
I love being in a big city.
My views on religion make complete and total sense to me.
My views on religion are more like feelings and I have great difficulty and feel silly trying to explain them.
I love using a large vocabulary and understanding words.
I like to talk like a little kid and dork.

*sigh*
I wish people would understand me better.
I love being complicated.

Long Time, No Post

Sheesh, it's been a very long time since I've posted. I'm a bad kid. I've been too busy playing on facebook! Haha, wow, so very sad huh?

Me and Justin have been busy getting to know our little man. Jasper is growing like a weed. At his last check-up he was 13.2lb and 24 1/2inches. He got his first set of shots. Poor baby, it broke my heart to see him cry so hard. He cried HARD for a half hour straight and then whimpered for another hour. I'm not even exaggerating. It was aweful.

Ever since we got home from the hospital I was very emotional and upset over everything. I kept picturing Jasper, Justin and/or me dying. I would cry for hours over anything. AAAANNNNDDDD so I told my doctor and was put on Sertraline. I am SO MUCH BETTER!

LIFE is so much better!!

Why didn't anyone insist to me to get on anti-depressants sooner? I mean, it was pretty clear I've been depressed for a long time. Even I knew it. I was just too afraid to speak with a doctor about it. But after I had Jasper I was at my lowest low and something had to be done. On the plus side I never once thought of hurting my baby. I hear some mothers have those thoughts. I'm glad I never did. I would feel so SO guilty about my feelings and that would kill me.

It's wierd. Who knew life could be this amazing and wonderful? I am ridiculously lucky. I should go to Vegas, my luck is that good. I'll settle for a scratch-it.

Little Man

A picture overload of our little man. Jasper Nolan-Lee Perkins born April 10, 2010 at 1:26pm. He was 9lb 3oz and 22 1/4 inches long. He's our big boy! Justin is amazing and is such a great daddy. He's been helping me so much. Now there are two men in my life and I am so in love with both of them.

Labor Story

Our little man Jasper Nolan-Lee Perkins was born on April 10, 2010. He was 9lb 3oz and 22 1/4". I was in labor for 36 hours before I had to have a c-section and my labor and delivery was the worst thing I have ever been through. I went in with some contractions and found out my blood pressure was 220/112. Yikes! So they gave me pitocin to make my labor faster. Then I got an epidural and my blood pressure dropped to 90/20 so they gave me a whole bunch of ephedrine to bring it back up. It went up and down like that for the entire labor but got a little better for the 2nd half.

Anyways, the epidural kept wearing off and didn't work so about half way through labor a different anesthesiologist gave me another one. Ultimately, it didn't work either. Every 1.5 hours I could feel everything again and the dr. would come back in and give me bolis injections for some relief. My labor didn't progress and only got to 6cm. Jasper was stuck in my pelvis at station -2 and couldn't drop down further. Unfortunately, I ended up with a c-section. Which is probably a good thing because by this point in my labor it was so bad that I had been having constant extreme contractions for at least 25 minutes with NO BREAK in between them. Just one long rolling contraction with the pain intensity going from a 10 to a 9 for long enough for me to shout "ice!" and before they could reach for the ice chips I was back to a 10. I was exhausted and don't think I could have pushed.

A third anesthesiologist (my favorite guy!!) came in and gave me the last shot of numbi-ness stuff in my back epidural catheter thingy and then I went into surgery. I didn't feel them cutting but I could feel EVERYTHING that happened from my cervix down (so in my vagina and such.) I was in sooo much pain.

The next day the anesthesiologist came and talked to me and told me I shouldn't have been in that much pain. He said if I ever have a baby again to not get an epidural because I'm not a good candidate for them and to either get a spinal or go under general anesthetic. Anyways, long story short, my blood pressure was an up-and-down mess and I was in extreme pain the entire time. I don't remember a lot of what happened because it was so bad. I hate not remembering everything. I can recall a few bits and pieces on my own but a lot of it is only if people talk about it and ask if I remember. My main memory of the entire labor and delivery is pain. I remember so much pain.

I was told I may have post traumatic stress because of how awful the experience was. I wonder if women who have natural births have more pain than I did, about the same, or less. On the plus side, the nurses and doctors were extremely impressed with how well I handled the pain and asked if I had taken any classes for child birth. I was proud to hear my mom tell them no. (I was delirious and couldn't answer) Ha! In your face! I say that because they kept stressing how important classes were and that they would help. They made me feel like I wouldn't know how to handle the pain if I didn't take a class. I felt confident the whole time that I didn't need a class to tell me to breathe through the pain and try to take myself somewhere else in la-la land. I did that all on my own and did it damn well. I didn't need to waste my time learning to breathe.

Jasper handled the entire scenerio much, much better than mommy and we are both doing amazing now. Just trying to relax, heal and recover.