Mommy Magic

With a kiss from Mommy

Booboos are better.

A hug makes me warm inside.

She holds my hand

And I'm invincible.

She says I'm her source of pride.

Mommy chases away the monsters

And keeps me safe and sound.

We do fun things together

Mommy's love is all around.

Hush Little Baby

In this case Justin, my love, is the baby. Tonight is the first night Jasper is sleeping in his crib. Usually he sleeps strapped into his swing in our room. Tonight, I set him in his crib after his evening diaper change while I got ready for bed. He was content staring at his mobile and listening to some Bach and Beethoven. We went in there to check on him and guess what? Little man was asleep.

I've been wanting to try to put him in his crib for a while now. When he's in his swing he looks soooo uncomfortable scrunched up and not lying flat. Never lying down or sprawled over the bed? That can't be nice.

Right now his arms and legs are all stretched out and he looks like he's in heaven. Justin is not taking it well. He's afraid Jasper will roll over and die. :( I must admit that it scares me not having him sleep right next to us. But he's a strong little boy. He can roll over if and when he wants. On the off chance he's stuck on his tummy he will scream and wake us up to fix it. I don't think that it will even be a problem though.

Ahhh, we're both stressed out about this. Parents put their kids to bed in cribs all the time right? Jasper will be safe. The monitor is turned up on high. We need to breathe.

Sleeping angel :) Gosh we made a perfect baby.

Part III

After Justin and I found each other the world changed. It's been a slow process but for once I am blissfully happy. I still have off days, well actually they are fleeting moments now. And I'm sure I have sertraline to thank bunches for that. But even before I started taking the depression pills my outlook on life perked up. Justin has been my shoulder to cry on more times than I can count. When we first got together he would joke that he was working on getting the fuck-off sign off my forehead. :) He understood me better than I knew myself sometimes. He did what no one else could, had they tried. Justin broke down my walls and found ME. The real me. I thank him every day, sometimes more than once. He saved me. He really is my hero. After a night of cuddling, as I was drifting to sleep in the special spot on his shoulder that was chiseled out just for me, a poem smacked me in the head. It was just there *poof* all at once. Whole and complete and perfect.
-

Justin
You are the man
Guided by fate
A love matched by none
With you lies my faith.

Destiny revealed
This spell is done
Spirits and forces
Thank you for love.

-
I will never take Justin for granted. We've been together for almost 3 years now and have never once fought. When something is bugging us we simply talk about it and then we're done. He helps me when I'm having rough times. I help him. He's so much stronger than me; it's hard to know when he needs help. Our relationship truly is perfect. We are soulmates. Justin is my best friend, my playmate, my partner in crime, my silly companion, my love, my reason for being happy, my soulmate, my everything.

Words have yet to be found to tell you how much this man means to me. I'm still searching. For now this will have to suffice. I love you, Justin. You rock my socks. ;)

Part II

I believe in the power of peoples faith. I think that all Gods and Goddesses are real and live simply because they are believed in. Chants, spells, chapters, verses, etc. are all different ways that people use words to focus their thoughts and prayers. I write my own because it is what works best for me. When I was lonely and at my worst I wrote a poem or spell as I call it. Because what is a spell, but a poem you chant and pour your faith into? I wrote a spell to find my soulmate.
-

Spirits near
Spirits far
Spirits of love
Spirits for the heart

Hear this cry
Hear my plea
Guide me to the man
Destined for me

-
I would say this every night while laying in bed wishing for love. I would chant it over and over. I would cry and plead for the Gods to hear me. I would say it when I was happy, when I was bored, when I was hurt. It was the spell that I put everything I had into. And it was the spell that changed my life.

One day I got a message from some guy on Myspace. It was just a small thing saying hi and that he noticed me. I checked out his profile and he was cute. He seemed pretty down to Earth, normal and we liked many similar things. Usually I just delete these people and think nothing of it ever again. But as I was looking at his pictures my spell went through my head and got stuck there. I KNEW if I wanted things to change I had to give him a shot. That I NEEDED to talk to this man. So I wrote him back. What do you know, he turned out to be the love I'd dreamed about. He is my everything, my faith, and I prayed for him.

Because of the spell I wrote and poured my faith into, I found my soulmate. I choose to believe that all gods exist and magic is real.

Part I

This is part I of my III part story finding love. I wrote this before I met Justin. Right after I fled from California. I was depressed, alone, lost and hurt.
-

It's hard to dream
Of a love unchained
When all you see
Is hope afraid.

Scorned and spurned
I stand alone.
Trusting no one
A forgotten rogue.

-
Let's break it down shall we?

It's hard to dream of a love unchained-It was almost impossible to believe in love. I hadn't seen a good working relationship. I was doubtful true love existed. Any kind of loving relationship seemed impossible between family or friends.

When all you see is hope afraid-My parents relationship. It was volatile and often abusive both ways. Sometimes it spilled over to include me and my sisters. When I lived in California, there was so much anger in the relationships there. Could anyone be truly happy? As soon as things looked brighter, as soon as people became happy, rage would bring out the storms.

Scorned and spurned-People hurt me. Hurt me in aweful ways that I'm still, to this day, trying to get over. My Dad told me,"You're to much of a bitch for anyone to ever love." Ouch. A guy once did some bad things(later if I'm brave enough I'll explain.) I'm lucky enough to have found an amazing man who has helped me to mostly get over these fears.

I stand alone-Pretty easy interpretation. I was all alone. I had no one to talk to. No one to help me break free. I was drowning in my sadness.

Trusting no one-Again easy to get what I was meaning here. I trusted NO ONE but myself. People will fail you. Always.

A forgotten rogue-Forgotten because I was left behind. It seemed like no one cared enough about me to at least get me help. No one even knew I was so hurt and broken inside. Rogue because after being so stupid to let myself get hurt, I went rogue. Pissed, furious, vengeful, hateful and never trusting anyone. I was on the outside, I put myself there and that's the way I wanted to keep it.

Panic

A statue of panic in a vortex of smiling faces
Melting, contorting, twisting into my juggernaut of fears.

A crushing corset tightened by hidden evils
I long for razor claws to rip the straight-jacket melded to my chest.

I tremble like a waters surface when the earth quakes
Raging quiet screams in my ears drowning all thought

Reality fuzzes away and teases relief in the distance

I need my faith
Take me away
Run with me
Save me

-

I always loved this line: My panic grows manic until I can't stand it. I had an anxiety attack at The Perkins family reunion. Too many people, too close, too much. I think I may need to up my crazy pills.

Complicated

Complicated is a fun word to say. Try it out. Complicated, it has clicking sounds when I say it. Oh the simple pleasures. I'm complicated. That's what I was getting to. Let me explain.

I love Rob Zombie, Katy Perry, Nickelback, Metallica and Taylor Swift.
I hate to cry but I love to cry so Justin holds me close ;) sneaky huh?
I love to dress up but often don't.
I love shopping but feel so guilty about it I buy things I don't really want instead of the things I do.
I love all aspects of water but am sometimes afraid of it.
I can not stand emotional people, even though I can be passionate about things.
I dislike being the center of attention but I love to lead and teach.
I hate crowds but I love cheerleading.
I can go from crazy happy and giddy to fucking pissed over something stupid.
Even though I realize my logic is irrational, it doesn't change the way I feel.
When I say "whatever" or "It doesn't matter" it usually matters very much and I'm livid.
I expect people to understand others with little vocabulary because I can.
I love to sing but embarrass myself, even if I'm alone.
I love to edit writing.
I love to break punctuation rules.
I love having a blog.
I love writing on my blog but I rarely do.
I feel like if you don't want to give everything then why try.
I love with all my heart if you are lucky enough to get noticed.
I don't trust people.
I don't forgive and I rarely forget.
I'm trying very hard to live a happy life.
I'm trying very hard to let things go.
The reason I don't like to hear about sad things or watch upsetting movies is because they break my heart.
I don't sympathize with people.
I don't comfort people.
I absolutely love books but I dislike book clubs.
I like helping people find a book they'd like, only if they have similar taste to mine.
I understand and like to notice when I read, things like character building, foreshadowing, descriptions, contradictory aspects, climaxes, where the author got the inspiration for ideas and what made them describe the information that way.
I hate discussing books.
I love country life and want to live on a farm.
I love being in a big city.
My views on religion make complete and total sense to me.
My views on religion are more like feelings and I have great difficulty and feel silly trying to explain them.
I love using a large vocabulary and understanding words.
I like to talk like a little kid and dork.

*sigh*
I wish people would understand me better.
I love being complicated.